


Artificial Selection

by hujgup



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - War, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Filled with extras you will see once and forget about, First Contact, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, Multi, Not a crossover despite the number of concepts being "borrowed" from other things, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Slow Build, Space Battles, Spacecraft that actually work on Newtonian physics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2017-12-13 12:29:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hujgup/pseuds/hujgup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For millennia, humanity has looked to the stars and wondered if they were alone in the universe; for even longer, a different species has been conquering those stars.</p><p>The year is 2413. It's been 78 years since the invention of the Dimensional Jump Matrix, and in that time humanity has set up 49 colonies in far-flung star systems. The United Nations controls the interstellar military, including select, highly-trained special forces whose mission is to explore the galaxy, expand the reach of humanity, exploit valuable resources and seek out any sign of intelligent life. Their ships are cutting-edge, their discipline lacking, and one of those units is about to make contact with another species.<br/>Artificial Selection is a tale of war, of sacrifice, and of overcoming the odds to bring to a halt a sequence of events so intricate that they span the entire history of two species. This is the tale of humanity's first interstellar war.</p><p>This is the tale of two entities playing a game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Contact

You are Special Forces team 6-N. Your mission is top secret. Your location is classified. Your team is battle-hardened. Only two of those statements are true.

You, more specifically, are 1st Lieutenant John Egbert, service number EQU86-PN77Y-413LL-MASSU (although nobody outside of your unit knows that). Your squad is made up of exemplary fighters, infiltrators and navigators, chosen due to their compatibility with each other (you still think Social Science is a science, although Rose will dispute that until the end of time): Jade Harley, weapons expert and all-around bubbly person, as your second-in-command; as well as Dave Strider, master of stealth and irony; and Rose Lalonde, snark extraordinaire and the best pilot you've ever met, as subordinates, although they’ll never admit that.

You are currently surveying an as-yet unnamed planet, searching for the source of an anomalous electromagnetic emission: your ship, the U.N.S.S. Shadow Strike, detected non-random radio waves coming from somewhere within four klicks of your location.

STRIDER, D (JR.): movement ahead

You all stop and hunker down. Despite the fact that the previous seven warnings coming from your point man have turned out to be bioluminescent reptile analogues, it never hurts to be cautious. The sound of safeties clicking off can be heard as your squad readies their weapons, aiming ahead of the group. A small bird of some kind scampers in front of Dave, disappearing into the bushes.

"Eight animals, Dave!,” Jade exclaims. “Stop being so jumpy!”  
“Eight animals that might have turned out to be hostile,” he responds.  
“Eight cute animals that wouldn’t hurt a fly!” she says, raising her hands above her helmeted head, exasperated. “Next time you call out, I’m going to go ahead and hug them!” She mimes a hugging motion in the air in front of her.  
“Whoa whoa whoa, I cannot express just how dumb of an idea that is.”  
“Dave,” Rose says, "there’s obviously nothing here. Our ship was probably picking up a reflection from some exposed vein of metal, like that one over ther,” she gestures to an outcropping of Iron ore. “We should finish this sweep as soon as possible; the Shadow Strike still has one more jump to go before we get leave, and I for one want to take it before next year.”  
“Fine, but if you end up bleeding out all over the floor, screaming ‘help me Dave, you’re my only hope’, that’s your problem.”  
“Deal!” Jade says.

Sometimes your team can be complete idiots, and there's nothing you've been able to do about it.

Five minutes later, Dave calls movement again. Jade, true to her word, stride(r)s right past him and into a clearing.

HARLEY, J: what the shit.

\-----

You are the staff of Imperial Border Monitoring Station 612, and you are bored as all hell.

You, more specifically, are Karkat Vantas, commander of Imperial Incursion Unit 4C. You and your team were sent here after the cruiser Burning Starlight spotted anomalous electromagnetic disturbances travelling superluminally towards this system. Command sent you to investigate, under the guise of a team of miners searching the planet, designated Tuk-II in Imperial starcharts, for valuable resources. You don't really understand why you need a cover if you're the only living things in the system, but you know better than to question Command. You, Kanaya and Vriska sit around a makeshift, primitive chemical fire, warming your hands; Tuk-II is not the most hospitable planet in the system.  
"I'm boooooooored!" Vriska drones, leaning back her head so it rests on the top of her back; "Let's do something."  
"Not 'Place the Culling Fork on the Troll'; we've done that game so many times I'm beginning to try and do it to you all in your sleep," says Kanaya.  
"How about we play the game 'shut the fuck up, Sollux is trying to do some actual work'!" you yell, flailing your arms in the general direction of Sollux’s tent.  
"We just played that!" Vriska whines, bringing her head back up and staring off to your left.  
"Well let's continue to god damn play it, then!"  
"KK," says Sollux, poking his head out of a tent, "if anyone needs to shut the fuck up it's you."  
"Go suck a bulge so hard that it gets stuck in your protein chute and you die from asphyxiation, preferably while you upchuck your breakfast," you say, leaning forwards towards him.  
"Is that an order?"  
You pull back slightly. "Don't pull that shit again. You know perfectly well how to distinguish between my 'you are dead to me for the next few seconds' rants and my 'I am genuinely angry with you, please stab yourself' rants."

Ping.  
An alert comes up on your ocular-integrated HUD.

MOTION DETECTED ON CAMP PERIMITER

You shoot to your feet, as does Vriska and Kanaya. A rustling sound emanates from the forest towards magnetic positive; a bipedal figure clad in some form of armour steps into the outskirts of your camp.

KARKAT: WHAT THE SHIT.

\-----

EGBERT, J: no comms, text only.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Copy.  
HARLEY, J: copy  
STRIDER, D (JR.): copy  
EGBERT, J: don’t provoke them. follow contact advisory directive 5. jade, patch us in to your helmet mic.  
[SQUAD NOW RECEIVING AUDIO FEED FROM  [HARLEY, J] ]

You, Rose and Dave lay prone in a treeline, weapons ready, watching as the creatures analyse Jade. You can see them in the glow of their camp lights; they look like grey-skinned humans with sharp, carnivorous teeth and candy-corn coloured horns protruding from their heads; and for some reason they’re wearing the symbols for Cancer, Scorpio and Virgo on their shirts.

EGBERT, J: try species desgination.

Jade tentatively raises her right hand and points at herself. In the calmest voice she can muster, she says “Human.”  
The creatures appear perplexed (although you have no guarantee you express, or even feel, emotions in the same way), then one of them points towards Jade and says “Human.” It then turns its finger towards itself and says “Karkat.”  
Jade points to one of its companions, and asks “Karkat?”  
The one that spoke up originally slaps its face. It presses its finger into its chest and says “Karkat,” in a tone of voice that you feel sorely tempted to call annoyed. It then points to the one to its left and says “Vriska,” before rotating its arm to its right and says “Kanaya.”

STRIDER, D (JR.): dude you just told then that your name was human way to go  
HARLEY, J: screw you, dave! someone come out here so i can explain this better.  
EGBERT, J: i’m coming out.

You advance towards Jade. The... well, you guess you should call them aliens, look surprised. “Human,” Jade says as you halt next to her, pointing to herself, then you. She then points back at herself and says “Jade,” then twists her thumb towards you and says “John.”  
The creatures stare at each other, then the one on the right (Kanaya, was it?) indicates the others and says “Troll.”

You have absolutely no idea how translators managed to get even a basic idea of what people are saying.

\-----

KARKAT: VRISKA, KANAYA, DO NOT PROVOKE IT. ANYONE WHO ISN’T CURRENTLY OUTSIDE, STAY IN AND DO NOT MAKE A FUCKING SOUND.  
SOLLUX: well iit’2 about tiime you all had a biit of re2pect for my need2  
KARKAT: NOT YOU, DIPSHIT, THE THING IN BATTLE AMROUR CURRENTLY STARING US DOWN.  
ARADIA: wait what  
KARKAT: STAY INSIDE AND NO TALKING!

You, Kanaya and Vriska eyeball the intruder. It raises its hand and you recoil slightly, but then it designates itself and says “Human.”

KANAYA: I Do Not Know What It Is Trying To Tell Us  
VRISKA: That’s its name, fussyfangs! It’s trying to talk to us!

You slowly raise your hand and point to yourself. “Karkat,” you say.  
It moves its designation appendage towards Vriska and asks “Karkat?”  
You cannot resist the urge; you facepalm. “Karkat,” you repeat; you then point to Vriska and Kanaya, saying their names.

Another armoured biped comes out of the treeline and you all reach for your weapons, but halt when it ceases its motion next to the other.  
“Human,” the original intruder says, pointing to itself and its companion. It then designates itself and says “Jade,” then points to its companion and says “John.”

KARKAT: SO “HUMAN” IS ITS SPECIES, THEN.  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3! YOU 4LMOST W3NT 4ROUND C4LL1NG 1T 1TS SP3C13S N4M3!  
KARKAT: SHUT IT. THERE WAS ONLY ONE OF THEM, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

Kanaya gestures to you and Vriska, saying “Troll.”

You have absolutely no idea how you’ll understand each other.

\-----

EGBERT, J: any ideas for how to, like, talk to them?  
STRIDER, D (JR.): with your mouth  
LALONDE, R: Dave, they don’t speak English; or we don’t speak their language, depending on perspective; it’s statistically impossible. If we do speak the same language, that would be a massive leap forward for the Interventionary Evolution theory.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): and what may i ask is that  
LALONDE, R (JR.): The hypothesis describes that the God myths of ancient civilizations were actually encounters with extra-terrestrial beings. If we speak the same language, it would almost certainly mean that we picked it up from a common source. The probability is low, granted, but I think it’s worth a shot.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): that actually makes a lot of sense  
EGBERT, J: ok, i’m going to try.

“Hi!” you say to them. They stare at you in shock.  
“…Hi?” the middle one (Karkat, you think?) says, scrunching his face as he analyses you.  
“Do you speak our language, or do you just have a universal translator or something sci-fi like that?”  
They all stand absolutely still.

The one that Karkat called Vriska pulls out a sword and charges at you.

\-----

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, INTER-SPECIES COMMUNICATION. ANY IDEAS?  
VRISKA: Psi-  
KARKAT: APART FROM THAT.  
VRISKA: You are a8solutely no fun.  
KANAYA: Vriska Please Remember The Treaty  
VRISKA: We were just wigglers! Stop holding me accounta8le for things that I can 8arely remem8er!  
ARADIA: you killed me, crippled tavr0s and blinded terezi  
VRISKA: I didn’t ask f8r a freaking rec8p, Megido!

The one called John opens its mouth; and to your extreme surprise, says something you can understand: “Hi!”

KARKAT: WHAT-  
KANAYA: -The-  
VRISKA: -hell?

“…Hi?” you say to it, unsure if it’s just a weird cosmic coincidence, but suspicious nonetheless.  
“Do you speak our language, or do you just have a universal translator or something sci-fi like that?”

KANAYA: How Do They Know Our Language  
SOLLUX: they what?  
KANAYA: Theyre Speaking Fluent Alternian  
VRISKA: Spies.  
KARKAT: HUH?  
VRISKA: They’ve 8een spying on us. That’s how they picked up our language. And we all know what the Condescension demands we do to spies.  
KANAYA: Vriska No  
KANAYA: !

Too late; she extracts her sword from its holster and charges at the one who spoke. She knocks it to the ground, sword on its throat, when you and her see something bouncing out of the bushes.

\-----

EGBERT, J: hostile contact!  
STRIDER, D (JR.): visor tints to full  
STRIDER, D (JR.): flashbang out

\-----

A brilliant white light appears, blinding you; you stumble around, bumping into Kanaya and sending you both toppling over onto a tent. As your vision clears, you can barely make out Vriska clutching her eyes as the armoured figures slip into the bushes and vanish.

\-----

[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH  [ [PROWLER-CLASS SHIP: U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] OPERATIONS COMMAND] ]  
EGBERT, J: this is team 6-N reporting hostile contact 30 meters south-south-west of my co-ordinates! request orbital strike, over.  
SS-OPSCOM: Roger that Lieutenant. Be advised that an unidentified craft has entered the system and we are unable to provide ground support at this time.  
EGBERT, J: this is a possible opsec compromise! there are hostile, intelligent aliens down here that know about us!  
SS-OPSCOM: They’re up here too, searching for us. We will maintain this orbit for a maximum of 30 minutes. If you are not en route by that time, we will have to leave you and your team behind; these EM maskers need to vent very soon.  
EGBERT, J: understood, opscom. egbert out.  
[SWITHCING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH  [SPECIAL OPERATIONS UNIT 6-N]  SQUAD COMMS]  
EGBERT, J: 30 minutes ‘till the ship leaves, people! let’s move! rose, where’d you park our shuttle?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): A klick north-west, in a clearing.  
EGBERT, J: EVERYBODY RUN!

\-----

[CURRENT TARGET:  [INFILTRATOR-CLASS SHIP: HOLY MIRTH] PRIORITY NET]  
KARKAT: SURFACE TEAM REQUESTING CULLING BOMBARDMENT, ONE UNIT RADIUS AROUND OUR LOCATION, EXCLUDING CAMP SITE. HOW COPY?  
HOLY MIRTH: NO CAN DO.  
HOLY MIRTH: we are FAR TOO BUSY UP HERE searching for a ship THAT WE KNOW IS HERE but we can’t fucking find.  
HOLY MIRTH: maintain position while we SORT THIS SHIT OUT.  
KARKAT: UNDERSTOOD.  
[CURRENT TARGET:  [IMPERIAL INCURSION UNIT 4C] ]  
KARKAT: THE FUCKING CLOWNS WON’T TAKE THEM OUT. TOO BUSY KILLING EACH OTHER OR SOME SHIT.  
SOLLUX: fuckiing clowns  
SOLLUX: and the2e guy2 are our commander2 why  
KARKAT: HEMOSPECTRUM BS.  
KARKAT: EVERYONE STAY INSIDE THE CAMP. NO SEARCHING FOR THEM.  
VRISKA: F8CK TH8T! Let’s go after them! Let’s m8ke them 8leed.  
KARKAT: VRISKA, AS THE RANKING OFFICER HERE I ORDER YOU TO STAND DOWN.  
VRISKA: N8!  
KANAYA: Vriska Do Not Make Me Pap You Dont Think I Wont  
VRISKA: F8CK YOU 8LL!  
KARKAT: OK SHE JUST COLLAPSED OR SOMETHING, SO I GUESS THAT SOLVES THAT PROBLEM. EVERYONE: STAY. THE. FUCK. HERE.

\-----

“Engines online,” Rose calls out from the cockpit. “Launching in five seconds.”  
“Strap in, everyone!” you call out, buckling your harness.

The shuttle rockets up and out of the clearing at 126 meters per second and rising, going for intercept with the Shadow Strike. Atmospheric drag buffets the ship, causing unsecured items to go flying all around the crew bay. A container of water whacks Dave in the front of his head, knocking him unconscious; Jade is clutching her straps with a death grip. The shuttle break free of the Soup and the shaking dies down; Rose fine-tunes your trajectory to intercept the Shadow Strike.

\-----

[CURRENT TARGET:  [HOLY MIRTH] PNET]  
KARKAT: SIGHTED SHUTTLE LAUNCH ROUGHLY 0.8 UNITS MAGNETIC POSITIVE MINUS 45 ANGLE UNITS.  
HOLY MIRTH: we see it.  
HOLY MIRTH: LAUNCHING SUBLIGHT HOMING TRACKER. let’s see where the motherfuckers think they’re running to.

\-----

[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH  [ [U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] NAVIGATION COMMAND] ]  
LALONDE, R (JR.): This is Shuttle 6 requesting clearance to dock with the U.N.S.S. Shadow Strike.  
SS-NAVCOM: Clearance granted, S6. Please proceed to Bay 3 and dock starboard of the centre platform.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Shuttle 6 copies all. We are staying on this frequency until further notice.  
SS-NAVCOM: Copy. Be advised, the Shadow Strike needs to leave within three minutes of this mark.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Understood; commencing docking procedures.

Rose fires the liquid engines to match velocity with the ship; she shuts them down and uses fine manoeuvring thrusters to line the shuttle up with the Docking Bay; she eases the ship in on RCS, lining up with the bay’s docking clamps. She pushes a button and the clamps lower, anchoring the shuttle to the ship.

LALONDE, R (JR.): Contact.  
SS-NAVCOM: Copied. Do not exit your craft and prepare for superluminal travel. Shadow Strike NAVCOM out.

\-----

[CURRENT TARGET: BATTLENET]  
OPERATIONS: FounD them, bearing 27, 156.  
NAVIGATION: Rotating along bearing; prepare for in-gravity well pha5e jump.  
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: do it.  
NAVIGATION: Pha5ing now. 5, four, three, two, one... contact bearing 60, distance 0.4 unit5.  
WEAPONS: no theeermal signatureees deeeteeecteeed.  
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: THE MOTHERFUCKERS THOUGHT THEY COULD HIDE FROM US! HA!  
WEAPONS: disabling missileees, eeenabling starboard kineeetics.  
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: FIRE.  
WEAPONS: opeeening fireee.  
OPERATIONS: 22% hits on target.  
WEAPONS: salvo two out.  
NAVIGATION: Increa5ed Antineutrino emi55ions; they’re charging 5ome kind of 5uperluminal drive.  
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: find the engine core. BLOW IT SKY HIGH.  
WEAPONS: eeemission location is beeeing maskeeed, your mirthfulneeess.  
NAVIGATION: Their 5hip is burning on an e5cape trajectory!  
HEAD JUBJUGGLATOR: follow them.  
NAVIGATION: Rotating... firing 5ublight drive5! Interception in 15.  
WEAPONS: chambeeers areee reeeloading.  
OPERATIONS: Planet-siDe team remains un-culleD.  
NAVIGATION: Dimen5ional warp technology detected!  
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: prepare to track them.  
NAVIGATION: No can do; can’t follow what we can’t catch.  
NAVIGATION: rtjyrklyulllllll  
[ [NAVIGATION] HAS LEFT BATTLENET]  
HEAD SUBJUGGLATOR: I WILL NOT TOLERATE FAILURE on my fucking ship. prepare a report to the church and pick up our ground team.  
OPERATIONS: AcknowledgeD.

\-----

[ONLINE WITH [ [U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] GENERAL FREQUENCY]]  
ARBAS, P: All decks, damage assessment.  
ENGINEERING: negligible damage  
GUNNERY: Torpedoes unstable, situation developing.  
ARBAS, P: Gunnery, switch to private frequency.  
GUNNERY: Roger.  
[[GUNNERY] OFFLINE]  
BARRACKS: No damage, no casualties.  
ECM: Thermal vent system heavily damaged. We will be unable to dispose of the ship’s waste heat.

“Attention ship’s company,” the Commander’s voice comes over the intercom, “we are abandoning the ship as soon as we exit FTL. All non-combat personnel are to report to escape pods. Military personnel are to report to the shuttle bays. Everyone move!”  
“Rose,” you command, “keep the shuttle docked and wait for evacuees;” you gesture towards the loading bay.  
“Copied.”

\-----

“Shuttle’s full,” Rose says, “we should go before we get burned alive.”  
“Copy that. Disengage docking clamps and take us out.”  
The clamps release the shuttle and Rose fires the forward-facing thrusters to ease the ship out of the bay.

[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH [ U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] GENERAL FREQUENCY]]  
LALONDE, R (JR.): This is Shuttle 6 reporting undocking; Godspeed to you all. Out.  
[ [LALONDE, R (JR.)] OFFLINE]

“Prepare a report to U.N. HIGHCOM,” you say, a slight hint of apprehension in your voice; “I think they’re going to want to hear this.”

You can't pin down why, but you have the strangest feeling of Déjà Vu.

\-----

[CURRENT TARGET:  [ [BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION] ABNORMAL OPERATIONS COMMAND] ]  
KARKAT: I THINK WE JUST STARTED ANOTHER FUCKING WAR.


	2. Experimental, Untested and Extremely Dangerous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worldbuilding, as well as a future history of the human race.

[OPENING ARCHIVE [HUMAN HISTORY: 21ST CENTURY ONWARDS]  
[FILTER: BLACKLIST  [terrorism] ]  
[FILTER: WHITELIST  [technology] ]  
2010-2013: The Arab Spring.  
2014: First commercial spaceflight.  
2015: The United States of America completes nuclear disarmament.  
2016-2017: Second Korean War; ended with the North’s government being dissolved and assimilated into South Korea.  
2017: The Nairobi Incident; commercial spaceplane miscalculates re-entry trajectory and crashes into the city of Nairobi, killing 3,276 people.  
2017: Invention of the Kael-Ohbe Localized Magnetosphere, allowing human travel outside of the Earth’s natural magnetosphere.  
2019: Second wave of lunar landings begins.  
2020: Voyager 1’s nuclear cell dies.  
2022: The United States of America censors access to the Internet following violent protests across the country.  
2022: The former states of the Soviet Union complete nuclear disarmament.  
2023: Second wave of lunar landings end early due to growing civil unrest.  
2023-2028: Second American War of Independence; ended with the capitulation of the government and the drafting of a new constitution.  
2026: Murugan-4 launches for Mars, carrying passenger Elisha Grayson.  
2027: Murugan-4 lands on Mars.  
2027: Voyager 2’s nuclear cell dies.  
2029: Murugan-4 returns from Mars.  
2031: Following a unanimous vote, the United Nations becomes the world’s governing body.  
2031: The United States pulls out of Afghanistan.  
2032: The United Nations combines the world’s space programs into the United Nations Space Service.  
2035: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining settlement in Earth orbit.  
2036: SETI detects full-band, non-random electromagnetic emission from the star Pollux. Translators begin work on deciphering the message.  
2038: The U.N.S.S. establishes a launch facility on Luna.  
2040: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining colony on Luna.  
2042: Probe Einstein-1 discovers microbiological life in the subterranean oceans of Europa.  
2042: Invention of the Kael-Ohbe Artificial Planetary Magnetosphere, allowing human travel beyond the reach of a spacecraft-localized magnetosphere.  
2043: Translators decode the Pollux message. It translates to “help us”.  
2046: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining colony on Mars.  
2047: Invention of the Covalent Molecule Annexation device, allowing excess greenhouse gases to be scrubbed from the atmosphere.  
2050: A colony of Dodo birds is found alive on an island chain in the Atlantic ocean.  
2051: Invention of the Antimatter drive, allowing travel between planets within months instead of years.  
2054: Population of Mars reaches 400,000.  
2057: The U.N.S.S. launches probe Columbus to Alpha Centauri.  
2060: Population of Earth + orbital stations reaches 10 billion.  
2061: Coronal Mass Ejection breaches the Earth’s magnetosphere, killing everyone living in orbit on the daylight side of Earth.  
2063: Population of Mars reaches 1 million, population of Luna reaches 60,000.  
2065: Backup Kael-Ohbe Magnetospheres installed on all orbital stations.  
2066: Contact with Columbus is lost en route to Alpha Centauri.  
2069: Work begins on terraforming Mars.  
2073: The U.N.S.S. launches probe Columbus-2, hardened with extra radiation shielding.  
2075: Mars begins lobbying for independence from Earth.  
2078: The U.N.S.S. launches the first spaceship designed for war, the U.N.S.S. New Age. It is armed with basic explosive weapons.  
2086: Martian dissenters destroy a U.N.S.S. facility and steal the blueprints for the New Age-class ship.  
2090: Columbus-2 scheduled to reach Alpha Centauri.  
2093: Martian dissenters construct a copy of the U.N.S.S. New Age.  
2094: First signal from Columbus-2 reaches Earth. Humanity is captivated by an image showing our sun as just another white dot in the sky.  
2095: The Martian Rebellion; Mars declares independence from Earth. The U.N.S.S. New Age is sent to bring the population back in line. U.N. forces encounter space-borne resistance. Martian forces surrender when the New Age begins to bombard the planet from orbit.  
2100: The U.N.S.S. begins the 6 by 20 initiative, the plan for humanity to have colonies on six celestial bodies before 2120.  
2103: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining colony on Europa.  
2104: Population of Mars reaches 50 million.  
2106: The United Nations establishes a military sub-division of the U.N.S.S.  
2110: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining colony on Ganymede.  
2111: The First Colonization Lottery; 1 in every 50 citizens of Earth are deported to various colonies due to overpopulation.  
2117: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining colony on Titan.  
2127: Work on terraforming Mars is completed.  
2134: Population of Mars reaches one billion following a mass emigration from Earth.  
2137: The U.N.S.S. launches Columbus-3 bound for Procyon.  
2144: Population of the Jovian colonies reaches one million.  
2154: Total human population reaches 20 billion.  
2156: Ecological damage caused by the runaway greenhouse of the 21st century is completely repaired.  
2163: The Dallas Anomaly; the entire CBD of Dallas, Texas disappears without a trace.  
2179: The U.N.S.S. establishes a permanent, self-sustaining colony on Mercury.  
2181: A cargo ship locates the Dallas CBD in the middle of a crater on Mercury. No survivors are found by subsequent operations.  
2197: Population of Mars reaches 7 billion.  
2212: Old Faithful, the geyser in Yellowstone that has consistently erupted every 90 minutes since its discovery, stops erupting.  
2215: Eruption of the Yellowstone Caldera. Covalent Molecule Annexation devices reduce the damage, but much of the inland United States is buried under ash.  
2221: Columbus-3 scheduled to reach Procyon.  
2233: First signal from Columbus-3 reaches Earth. For the first time, scientists can see an extra-solar planet in high-definition.  
2247: Lunar launch site is destroyed by a meteor.  
2247-2252: The Terraforming War; civil war breaks out between the colonies after the U.N.S.S. announces that they only have the budget to terraform one colony. Ended when Europa’s surface ice began melting and the colonies agreed to use the equipment to keep Europa’s native life from dying out.  
2250: U.N.S.S. constructs new lunar launch site.  
2257: Invention of the semi-nuclear explosive round, designed to punch holes through spaceships.  
2269: Jupiter’s Great Red Spot dissolves.  
2286: Earth gains a new moon after the U.N.S.S. captures an asteroid and brings it into orbit.  
2300: Total human population reaches 50 billion.  
2324: The U.N.S.S. begins preparation to send “Arks” containing colonists out to other star systems to reduce the population crisis currently facing Sol.  
2335: Invention of the Dimensional Jump Matrix, allowing ships to travel between star systems in hours, bypassing the speed of light by travelling the distance in a sub-dimension.  
2335: Ark plans scrapped.  
2337: Non-military divisions of the U.N.S.S. are dissolved and their duties opened to corporations.  
2337: Armstrong-1 lands on Gliese 581 b. Hannah Walker becomes the first human to set foot on an extrasolar planet.  
2338: The Second Colonization Lottery; 1 in every 100 citizens of Sol are placed on the shortlist for interstellar colonists.  
2340: First interstellar colony established on Novus, a planet orbiting Procyon.  
2344: Invention of superluminal communications, allowing interstellar colonies to communicate near-instantly with each other and Sol.  
2346: Interstellar colony established on Sapphire Cliffs, a planet orbiting Epsilon Eridani.  
2350: Interstellar colony established on Bromuk, a planet orbiting Struve 2398-B.  
2353: Expedition to Pollux reveals no planets or ships that could have sent the 2036 broadcast, although it does discover an extensive stellar ring system with unusually high radioactivity.  
2355: Interstellar colony established on Lanthos, a moon orbiting the planet Malophron, a gas giant orbiting 61 Cygni-A.  
[FILTER: BLACKLIST  [interstellar colony] ]  
[FILTER: WHITELIST  [conflict] ,  [alien] ]  
2376: Invention of the electromagnetic disruption rifle, a spaceship-borne weapon that disrupts the life support systems on any ship it impacts.  
2382: Total human population reaches 100 billion.  
2398: Colony on Novus intercepts signal from Beta Crucis. Roughly translated, it says “stay away, the system is unsafe”.  
2399: Expedition to Beta Crucis encounters remains of hundreds of spacecraft strewn about an otherwise empty system.  
2401: Colony on Oedipus uncovers ruins of extra-terrestrial origin.  
2405: Technology recovered from Beta Crucis powers the invention of the Crocker-Lalonde-English-Strider suite of starship weapons; including, but not limited to, Antimatter missiles and Francium-tipped AAA cannons.  
2410: Invention of the Thermal Masking device, allowing ships to remain undetected by passive IR sensors.  
2413: [INFORMATION CLASSIFIED: CLEARENCE LEVEL 1] Invention of the TMD Mk. 2, allowing ships to remain undetected by both passive and active IR sensors.  
2413: First contact.

[INCOMING MESSAGE...]

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL ENLISTED PERSONNEL]

About a week ago one of our spec-ops teams made contact with an intelligent alien species (henceforth designated "trolls"). After following proper procedure, the trolls attacked our team, both on the ground and in space. We are now at war. The enemy has not yet demonstrated much of their ability, but from what our team saw, their ships are capable of FTL travel within a planet's gravity well; a technology that has thus far eluded us; however they appear equally as baffled by some of our technology.

Taking into account these discoveries, the following directives are to be placed into effect on all U.N. ships immediately:  
1: Ships are to jump on a random vector away from human worlds when retreating from enemy forces.  
2: If a ship is in danger of being captured by the enemy, it is to self-destruct.  
3: If a ship is captured by the enemy, allied forces are authorized to destroy it.  
4: If an enemy ship surrenders, fleets must instruct the surrendering forces to abandon their ship in order to minimize casualties if it is a trap. If the surrendering forces are unable to abandon their ship, do not accept their surrender.  
5: If enemy ground forces surrender, troops are to follow standard P.O.W. procedures.  
6: If an enemy ship is captured by allied forces, it is forbidden to bring it to an inhabited system until a team has verified that all tracking devices have been disabled or destroyed.

[END ANNOUNCEMENT]  
[RESUME LAST?]  
[COMMAND: SEARCH  [service record [unit 6n]] ]  
[CHOOSE SUBCATEGORY]  
[1:  [EGBERT, J] ]  
[2:  [LALONDE, R (JR.)] ]  
[3:  [STRIDER, D (JR.)] ]  
[4:  [HARLEY, J] ]  
[COMMAND:  [1, condensed] ]  
[OPENING...]  
John Egbert joined the U.N.S.S. in 2394 and was transferred to  [TRAINING FACILITY SOL-4-23 (MARS BASIC TRAINING CAMP EPSILON)] . He showed exemplary skills in the fields of squad leadership, infiltration and improvisation. As such, he was transferred to  [TRAINING FACILITY SOL-3-1-1 (LUNAR SPECIAL OPERATIONS TRAINING)] where he continued to excel. It was here he met the other members of his squad, and instructors noted that despite their very loose discipline they worked well together and always got the job done. Upon graduation in 2398 (following extensive special operations training), the party was formally designated  [SPECIAL OPERATIONS UNIT 6N] and assigned to the  [TETHYS-CLASS SHIP: U.N.S.S. VULTURE-II] . In 2406, John Egbert was promoted to 1st Lieutenant and  [UNIT 6N] was transferred to the  [TETHYS-CLASS SHIP: U.N.S.S. BLACK DEPTH] . Following the invention of the Thermal Masking Device,  [UNIT 6N] was transferred to the  [U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] in 2411. After contact with an alien species, the  [U.N.S.S. SHADOW STRIKE] was destroyed in combat.  [UNIT 6N] is awaiting re-assignment.

[INCOMING MESSAGE...]

[EGBERT, J], [LALONDE, R (JR.)], [STRIDER, D (JR)] and [HARLEY, J] are to be transferred to [CERES-CLASS SHIP: U.N.S.S. IROQUOIS (PROTOTYPE)] under commanding officer [EGBERT, J]; mission details classified level 0.

Crew size = 4  
[REDACTED]

[END MESSAGE]  
[RESUME LAST?]  
[COMMAND:  [shut down] ]

\-----

[SWITCHING FREQUENCIES: ONLINE WITH  [ [EUROPAN SPACE STATION INDIGO SKY] BAY 30 SECURITY OFFICE] ]  
EGBERT, J: hello? can you please open the airlock? we sort of need to get to our ship.  
VENEER, F: I. Am. On. Break. Piss off.

Thirty minutes you've been trying to get through to your new ship; thirty minutes of being stonewalled by various lazy security guards. Jade is fuming: she's not the most patient person.

HARLEY, J: listen here buster, we are here on super-secret classified business that’s so secret and classified we can probably kill you and nobody would know and/or care, so i suggest that you open the FUCKING AIRLOCK.  
VENEER, F: Yes, sure. They’d station me of all people to guard a ship going on a mission so secret that technically the ship doesn't exist or something else equally generic. I believe you.

She's had enough. She picks up a crate and throws it through the office window, rolling into the aftermath.  
"Woah, what the hell are you doing?" someone inside asks. She picks up a table and flips it against the broken window, blocking your view inside. Screams of agony emanate from the office.  
"Remind me never to get on her bad side," Dave asks.  
"Got the keycard!" Jade exclaims happily, opening the door to the left of the window.  
"Do I even want to know what went on in there?"  
She smiles at Dave; one of those terrifying smiles that lets you know that she means business. "No."  
"Okay, let's just smile and nod. Smiles and nods all around, isn't this nice."  
None of you actually smile and nod.  
"John is the door open yet?"  
"Jade opened it a few seconds ago," you respond.  
"Well why are we just standing around like recruits fresh from the Pan-India slums; let's check out our sweet loot."  
"You do realise that nobody actually says "sweet", right?" you tell him as you both walk into the airlock; the others are waiting for you, and Rose starts the cycle.  
"I just did," Dave says.  
"We all know that you're the exception to the rule," Rose states.  
"I don't know whether to be insulted or proud."  
"And you never will."

The airlock finishes equalizing pressure between you and the ship; the red lights above the exit door turn green and open, revealing a room stacked a quarter full with crates.  
"Modest," Rose says.  
"Rose," Dave monotones, "this is the cargo bay; it's not meant to be flashy."  
"But where's all the super-top secret, highly-classified, kill if you find out about it kit we were promised?" she asks. "This is the storage deck, so it stands to reason that it'd be stored here."  
You've been wondering the same question yourself, actually. Jade, however, has obviously taken the initiative (again): she calls out "There's guns in the corner over here!" The three of you make your way over to her and she tosses Rose some kind of SMG. "M318-C mod 5," she explains. "Caseless mags, shredder rounds, and it can be toggled between fully-automatic and some kind of Shotgun-type firing mode where it fires everything in a mag at once."  
"What else we got here?" Dave asks, reaching for the crate Jade is fishing through.  
"Pretty much three or four of everything except explosives; we've got an M612 mod 2, an M1002 mod 14, an M777-"  
"English please, miss gun nut."  
"Oh, just go and try them out!"  
"Jade," you say, "I don't know if you realise this or not, but firing guns inside a spaceship is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. They'll rupture through the hull and cause us to leak atmosphere once we undock."  
"My lungs are precious to me," quips Dave.  
"Or," Jade pouts, "you could use the specially-equipped firing range through the door on the left."  
"Who puts a firing range on a spaceship?" you ask.  
"Engineers," she responds.

You, Rose and Dave push the door open, Jade lugging the crate of guns behind you. Dave boots up a control panel and a target dummy snaps up in the middle of an expansive, empty room behind a glass barrier.  
"Pick anything you want to try out!" Jade says. Dave steps away from the control panel and you take his place; Rose steps up to the firing position and loads her SMG.  
"What's the distance to that dummy?" she asks. You check the display.

[U.N.S.S. IROQUOIS] FIRING RANGE COMPUTER  
WARNING: NOT RATED SAFE FOR EXPLOSIVE WEAPONS

TARGET INFORMATION:  TYPE = HUMANOID  
                     DISTANCE = 25  
                     VERTICAL = 0  
                     HORIZONTAL = 0  
                     RANDOM MOTION = DISABLED

"It's 25 meters away," you tell her.  
"That should be fine," she responds as she raises her gun and fires. You're surprised; for an SMG, that thing's pretty accurate (or Rose is just a great shot); almost all the bullets hit the dummy's upper chest, near where the heart would be.  
"More accurate than I was expecting," she says, examining the weapon. "John, could you bring the dummy to five meters out?" she asks you as she reloads and flicks a switch on the SMG.

> distance = 5

The target dummy shoots forwards and comes to a halt at the designated position; Rose aims and fires.

"It appears," she says in a somewhat surprised tone, "that the target has lost its torso."  
Sure enough, the midsection seemed to have gone flying off, smashing against the back wall and breaking into pieces; the head and assorted limbs lie closer, about a meter from where the dummy once stood.  
"I think I'll be taking this," she says, stepping down from the firing position.

> cycle

A new dummy pops up where the last one stood seconds before, ready to be slaughtered by whatever it is that Dave is holding.  
"Alright, let's see what this long-barrelled elephant musket can do," he says.  
"You mean the M612 mod 2?" Jade asks.  
"No, I mean the long-barrelled elephant musket."  
She sighs. "The 'long-barrelled elephant musket' is the M612."  
"Then yes, let's see what the gun you just said can do. John, could you move the dummy to its max distance?"

> distance = 50

Dave raises the gun, aims for the dummy's head, and shoots.

Its head goes flying off and its body catches fire.  
"Dibs!" Jade calls out, jumping up and down in excitement.  
"What, no that is not fair, what if I want it?" Dave asks.  
"Who cares, it's mine now!" she says, snatching the weapon from his hands and stroking it lovingly.  
"Okay, moving on," he says, raising his hands in mock-surrender before reaching in and pulling out some sort of weird, curvy assault rifle.

> cycle  
> distance = 25

A light begins gathering at the barrel of the gun; it discharges some kind of energy beam, melting the target.  
"Okay, I'm keeping this," he says.  
"I changed my mind!" yells Jade. "You can have the M612!"  
"You made your choice Harley, now you have to live with it. You gonna try anything, John?"  
"Nah," you say, "I'll probably just take a stock assault rifle to balance out our firepower; even though it's not really an issue when you have a gun that freaking melts things!"  
"Yeah, this thing's pretty boss."  
‘Where’s the bridge?” Jade asks, eager to get going and receive their mission details. You take out a stock M124 rifle and sling it over your shoulder.  
“According to this map,” Rose responds, tapping at a console, “it should be two doors to the left when we exit.”

You and your team exit the firing range; Rose makes a left and you all follow her, stowing your weapons in nearby retractable wall holsters along the way. You all key them to your thumbprint, making sure that none of your squad-mates can nick anything that isn’t theirs. Rose leads you into the bridge: it looks just as benign as the cargo bay, no different from the shuttle’s command deck (disregarding the extra space and seats).  
“Station assignment,” you begin. “I’m on Operations Command; Jade, you’re on weapons, Rose is on Navigation and Dave, you’re on Communications.”  
“Why am I on Comms?” he asks.  
“Because Jade is obviously better suited for weapons!” you respond.  
“What about Rose?” he asks, nodding to her. “She’s good with people.”  
“On the contrary”, she says, having already sat down at her station next to Jade, “I find my social interactions to be sub-par. I have observed that I tend to scare people,” she smirks. “Besides, Navigation requires deft hands, and your hands have been getting rather... shall we say, large, recently.”  
“Are you calling my hands fat,” he monotones.  
“Maybe.”  
“So why can’t John do Comms?”  
“Because I’m the ranking officer!” you tell him.  
“That doesn’t mean you get to sit in that chair and sleep while we all do super important shit.”  
“I’m on OpsCom, Dave, I probably have the most to do day-to-day out of all of us!”  
“Fine,” he says in the vocal tone you’ve come to understand means that he’s only protesting because he wants to annoy you. “I’ll do Comms, but only because you asked so nicely.” He sits down at his station opposite from Jade and you take your seat in the centre of the room.  
“Systems check!” you yell.  
“All weapons green,” says Jade, “ECM countermeasures armed.”  
“Online with the SLCN,” Dave calls out.  
“All thrusters and sub-light engines green,” Rose informs you; “artificial magnetosphere online, FTL core powering up.”  
“Dave,” you command, “send undocking request.”

STRIDER, D (JR.): this is the u.n.s.s. iroquois requesting clearance for undocking  
INDIGO SKY OPERATIONS COMMAND: Iroquois, please wait while Bay 30 spins down.

The gravity on the ship disappears as Bay 30’s centrifuge shuts down, making sure the ship doesn’t just fall down through the delicate hull of the station upon undocking.

IS-OPSCOM: Clear for undocking.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): iroquois copies all  
STRIDER, D (JR.): out

You push a button on your console and the docking clamps disengage, releasing the ship. “Operative Lalonde,” you say with the air of authority that always seems to creep into your voice at times like this, “you are clear for RCS.”  
“Affirmative,” she responds, “Reaction Thrusters engaged.” The back-facing RCS thrusters puff for two seconds and the ship begins drifting out of the hangar.  
“Status,” you ask her.  
“Clear of bay doors,” she responds.  
“Align ship for burn: 88.175 degrees starboard, inclination 2.008 degrees relative up.” Rose fires the RCS thrusters again, rotating the ship along your heading. Meanwhile, you’re calculating burn details on your console.

[MANOEUVRE NODE DETAILS: REQUIRED AXIAL CHANGE = NULL, BURN TIME = 17.143S, TIME TO BURN = 2M 13.887S]

“Burn details transferred to your station, Rose,” you tell her, hitting the [SEND NODE DETAILS] button on-screen.  
“So,” Dave asks, “what do we do while we wait for the node?”  
“Run systems checks!” Jade tells him.  
“We already did that, remember? Pre-launch checks.”  
“Want to play Omaha?” she asks, plugging an external drive into her console and copying something over.  
“Sure, if there’s nothing better to do.” She tosses the drive to Dave, who does the same thing, and they begin playing what is perhaps the stupidest game you have ever had the misfortune to have played. Rose, meanwhile, stares at her console, making sure that no rogue space junk floating around the station gets too close to the hull. You lean back into your chair; you and it go tumbling backwards in the null gravity, crashing into the back wall of the bridge. Jade stares at you trying to hold back a laugh.  
“Shut up,” you tell her. “That was completely intentional. I am the master of movement.” She just rolls her eyes, smiling, and goes back to her game. You position yourself behind the free-floating command chair and push off a wall, hands on the chair’s back, floating towards the centre of the bridge; you grab onto an outcropping and swing the chair back into its slot; you make sure to lock it this time. And, of course, nobody’s looking when you actually do something really fluid and cool. Why do you even bother.  
“All hands, brace for orbital manoeuvre in five!” you call; Jade and Dave strap themselves into their seats.  
“Burning,” Rose says. The three Antimatter drives on the back of the ship fire, rocketing you away from the station and into a new, mildly eccentric orbit.  
‘”Sustain heading,” you say, watching the orbital projection on your console change, waiting for the apoapsis to hit 143km... “Cut thrust!” The engines shut down and the orbital projection stabilizes.  
“You do realise I have all the information I need right here,” Rose says, tilting her head towards her console. “You don’t need to tell me when to burn, cut the engines, etcetera.”  
“Jeez Rose, you really have no sense for the theatrical, do you?” She just shakes her head and turns back to her terminal; you take the opportunity to check the text popping up rapidly on your screen.

[ORBITAL DATA: SOI = [EUROPA], ORBITAL DIRECTION = PROGRADE, PERIAPSIS = 104.213KM, APOAPSIS = 143.012KM, INCLINATION = 1.987 DEGREES RELATIVE]  
[TIME TO PERIAPSIS = 1M 04.540S]

INDIGO SKY NAVIGATION COMMAND: Be advised, Iroquois, you are leaving our operational control area. Please switch to SOL-NAVCOM frequencies.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): copy that  
IS-NAVCOM: Safe flight. Indigo Sky out.

SOL NAVIGATION COMMAND (SUPERLUMINAL COMMUNICATIONS NETWORK): U.N.S.S. Iroquois, please state intended destination.  
STRIDER, D (JR.) (SLCN): destination classified, authentication uya-86v-on67-1123, clearance alpha  
SOL-NAVCOM (SLCN): Code authenticated. Please state intended burn vector.  
STRIDER, D (JR.) (SLCN): 127 degrees west relative to jupiter  
SOL-NAVCOM (SLCN): You are clear for burn.  
STRIDER, D (JR.) (SLCN): iroquois out

“Prepare for Jovian escape burn in 45 seconds,” you say, transferring node details to Rose.

[MANOEUVRE NODE DETAILS: REQUIRED AXIAL CHANGE = PROGRADE VECTOR, BURN TIME = 6M 44.756S, TIME TO BURN = 23.852S]

“Aligning ship along Prograde,” Rose says. “Sensors indicate non-zero probability of the staging remnant at 20 degrees west, 6 degrees south impacting us.”  
“Firing remote thruster,” Jade responds; the ship shudders and a new contact appears on your screen, indicating the projectile Jade has fired; it attaches itself to the object and thrusts it away from your ship.  
“Burning in five,” Rose calls out, “four; three; two; one… burning.” The engines ignite once more and the Iroquois’ trajectory begins altering, pushing its orbit further out into Jupiter’s sphere of influence, heading for escape velocity. “Setting the computer to maintain this heading: Europan escape in 23 seconds, Jovian escape in 21 minutes; Iroquois is Earth-bound.”  
“Rose, stay on your station” you command, “meeting in the conference room once the burn’s over.”  
“Acknowledged.”  
“Copy that,” Jade responds; Dave just nods and goes back to absolutely destroying Jade; when it comes to virtual cards, he is simply the best there is. You get up from your chair, making sure to brace against the armrest (you learnt your lesson last time) and make your way out of the bridge, walking along the walls of the corridors due to the thrust from the engines giving a sense of gravity. You enter the rec room and make yourself a quick sandwich before heading towards the conference room; halfway there the burn finishes, cutting the engines and almost causing the bits of your sandwich to go floating into a maintenance tunnel; you grab it and hold onto a guide rail, pulling yourself the rest of the way. You enter the conference room and sit near a console, giving your notes a quick skim as your team floats in and rests against the ceiling.

“Basic mission brief,” you begin, “is simple and can be condensed into four points,” you press a button on the console and a slide comes onto the screen behind you. “Point one: explore; search the skies for any enemy planets, ships or technology. Point two:” the slide flicks, “expand our knowledge of the enemy so humanity is better prepared to fight them. Point three:” the slide switches again, “exploit new technology, valuable resources, insurrectionist cells, whatever, to help the war. Point four:” the slideshow comes to its conclusion, “exterminate any and all hostiles we encounter. Any questions?”  
“One,” says Dave, “if our mission is roughly undefined, why we going to Highcom?”  
“Specific task we need to accomplish first; our ship is best equipped to deal with it. Anyone else?”  
“I’m good,” says Jade; Rose nods at you.

“Welcome to the new extreme.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The way chapter structure is going to work (for now) is species perspective will switch every chapter, i.e. 2=h, 3=t, 4=h etc., so troll perspective next up. Word of warning, the archive warning "Graphic Depictions of Violence" is there for a reason.


	3. Hemonymity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-wrote most of this because it was a bit rushed out before I had to go to Borneo. Apologies to everyone who read the first draft.

**SWEEPS IN THE PAST**

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 3:12am.  
AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF,  
AT: wITH MY BRAIN,  
AT: aND, UHH  
AT: mY LEGS, ALSO,  
AT: aND NOW, THEY FEEL,  
AT: iNVISIBLE,  
AT: wOW, i’M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT,  
AT: aNYWAY,  
AT: tHAT’S REALLY ALL THERE IS,  
AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT,  
AT: oF ME GETTING HURT,  
CG: VRISKA DID WHAT.  
AT: uHH, YOU KNOW SHE’S A PSIONIC, RIGHT,  
AT: sHE DID THE MIND-CONTROL THING,  
AT: aND JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF,,,  
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 3:17am.  
TA: fuck 2hiit WHAT THE 2HIIT II2 GOIING ON why am ii at aa’s hive and WHY II2 2HE FUCKIING DEAD?  
CG: YOU’RE RIGHT, WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON?  
TA: II DON’T FUCKIING KNOW!  
TA: la2t thiing ii remember wa2 codiing at my hiive2tem  
TA: then the iin2iide of my 2kull 2tarted iitching  
TA: and now ii’m here next to my dead mate2priit!  
CG: SERKET!!!  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board EMERGENCY MEETING.  
The moderator has set this bulletin’s security to invite only.  
CG invited AT to memo.  
CG invited TA to memo.  
CG invited GC to memo.  
CG: AS THE RESIDENT VRISKA EXPERT IN OUR SMALL CIRCLE OF WHAT I WOULD BARELY CONSIDER FRIENDS  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?  
CG uploaded file AT-CG-312-13.log  
CG uploaded file TA-CG-317-21.log  
GC: 1 KN3W SH3 W4S TROUBL3 WH3N SH3 W4LK3D 1N  
CG: DID YOU JUST QUOTE TROLL TAYLOR SWIFT.  
CG: THIS ISN’T THE TIME FOR THIS CRAP.  
GC: UM  
GC: R1GHT, SORRY  
AT: sO, UH,,,  
AT: wHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,  
TA: 2omethiing 2uiitably viiolent ii hope.  
GC: M4K3 H3R P4Y  
GC ceased responding to memo.  
AT: wOW, THAT WAS, UH, cRYPTIC,  
CG invited CT to memo.  
CG: HEY EQUIUS, IS YOUR CREEPY OBSESSION WITH ARADIA STILL A THING THAT EXISTS  
CG: BECAUSE WE COULD REALLY USE THAT RIGHT NOW.  
CT: D --> I fail to see how that is any of your business  
TA: actually, iit’2 everyone’2 bu2iine22 riight now.  
TA: do you know why?  
CG: ARADIA’S DEAD.  
CT: What  
TA: ii’m at her hiive  
TA: or what u2ed two be her hiive  
TA: 2urrounded by the remnant2 of p2iioniic energy  
TA: lyiing next two aa whiile 2ufferiing from a vriiska-iinduced headache.  
TA: II THIINK IIT’2 2ORT OF OBVIIOU2 WHAT’2 GOIING ON.  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> I am sorry for your loss  
CG: YEAH, BUT ARE YOU SORRY ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?  
CT: D --> Uh  
CG: DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT PANWAVE SCAN I TOLD YOU TO DESTROY?  
CT: D --> I believe so  
CG: THANK YOU PAST EQUIUS FOR NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I’VE EVER SAID. I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO HAVE BEEN IGNORED.  
CT: D --> Why e%actly do we need that  
TA: you’re the robot guy here  
TA: put two and two together.  
CT: D --> You want me to  
CT: D --> Construct a robotic shell based on Aradia  
CT: D --> Complete down to every detail, including her majestic horns, her ample bosom, her-  
CG: PLEASE STOP RIGHT THERE.  
CT: D --> Um  
CT: D --> And then you want me to upload the scan into it, correct  
TA: pretty much.  
CT: D --> Should I get to work  
TA: no.  
CT: D --> What impertinence is thi-  
TA: oh 2hut up.  
TA: how long have you had that 2can?  
CT: D --> Four perigees, I believe  
TA: ok, don’t leave iit lyiing on your hard dii2k, the longer you leave iit the more liikely iit’ll get corrupted.  
TA: 2iince you’re only goiing to 2tart work on the ciircuiitry now, you need two upload iit two 2omethiing; keep the proce22e2 actiive.  
CT: D --> Will a temporary storage matrix suffice  
TA: yeah, ju2t don’t get iit wet.  
CT: D --> That may be difficult  
CT: D --> But I’ll see what I can do  
AT: uH, WHAT ABOUT ME,  
CT: D --> What about you  
AT: i’M STILL AT THE BOTTOM OF A CLIFF,  
AT: aND MY LEGS, STILL AREN’T WORKING,,,  
CT: D --> That is your problem, mudblood  
CG: SEND ME YOUR CO-ORDINANDS, I’LL PICK YOU UP.  
AT: tHANKS kARKAT,  
CG: AND YOU, EQUIUS  
CG: MAKE TAVROS SOME LEGS.  
CT: D --> Why should I lower myself enough to give assistance to one of his caste  
AT: yOU DO REALIZE THAT aRADIA, IS LOWER THAN ME, RIGHT,  
CT: D --> But  
CT: D --> That’s different  
CG: HOW? HOW EXACTLY IS THAT DIFFERENT?  
CG: GO ON, TELL ME. I’M ACTUALLY CURIOUS HOW YOU’VE JUSTIFIED THIS TO YOURSELF.  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> Suppose  
CT: D --> I could be persuaded to help Nitram  
CT: D --> Should someone ask forcefully enough  
CG: YOU’LL BE FEELING MORE THAN JUST THE FORCE OF MY VOICE IF YOU DON’T HELP HIM.  
CT: D --> Hrk  
CT: D --> Very well, I shall upload Aradia’s scan, construct the mudblood’s legs, and then begin work on the shell  
CT: D --> Will that suffice  
CG: YEAH, GO DO THAT. I NEED TO GO PICK UP TAVROS.  
CG: SOLLUX, DO YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP TOO?  
TA: nah, ii thiink ii’ll 2tay for a whiile.  
TA: giive aa a corp2e party, liike iin trolliiana jone2.  
TA: 2he would’ve liiked that.  
CG: DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO. I’M HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED IT.  
TA: thank2 kk.  
TA: you know ii never took you for the compa22iionate type.  
CG: THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE THERE WASN’T ANYTHING TO BE EMPATHATIC ABOUT UNTIL RECENTLY  
CG: EXCEPT YOUR AWFUL LISP.  
CG: WAIT, I MEAN lii2p.  
TA: good two know you’re not an iimpo2ter  
TA: ii’m gonna go.  
TA ceased responding to memo.  
AT: i’LL UPLOAD MY CO-ORDINANDS,  
AT uploaded file FLARP_finder_module.bat  
AT: tHAT SHOULD INTERFACE, WITH ANY STANDARD MAP,  
CG: YEAH, IT’S INTEGRATING. I’M ON THE WAY.  
CG ceased responding to memo.  
AT: i GUESS i SHOULD SHUT DOWN,  
AT: tO CONSERVE POWER,  
AT: sO, BYE eQUIUS,  
AT ceased responding to memo.  
CT ceased responding to memo.  
Memo on board EMERGENCY MEETING automatically closed due to all users leaving the bulletin.

\-----

apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmegeddons [TA] at 7:29am.  
AA: sollux? are you still up?  
AA: i dont know whats happening  
AA: i feel like im inside nothing  
AA: but at the same time i know something is there that i cant quite reach  
AA: sollux?  
AA: the voices of the dead have abandoned me  
AA: im alone in an endless expanse of black  
AA: did something happen to the universe? are you even alive?  
AA: is this the big rip? has space expanded so much that the alternian sun might as well be in another galaxy?  
AA: am i alone in the universe?  
AA: i always enjoyed being by myself  
AA: just playing around in the ruins by my hive  
AA: how many light-years are the atoms of those ruins scattered across now?  
AA: are the atoms even still intact or has dark energy weaved its way into the sub-atomic world?  
AA: no that doesn’t make any sense  
AA: im still here after all  
AA: sollux?  
AA: im scared  
AA: i dont know whats happening to me  
AA: wait  
AA: something is happening  
AA: there’s an arc?  
AA: heading towards me  
AA: it looks like a lightning bolt  
AA: but less intense  
TA: AA!  
AA: sollux!  
AA: i-  
apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 7:34am.  
TA: FUCK!  
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 7:35am.  
AA: are you still there?  
TA: oh thank fuck you’re fiine.  
AA: whats going on? are you somewhere in the expanse too?  
TA: no, ii’m iin my hiiv2tem  
AA: then where am i?  
TA: you’re waiitiing for a traiin  
TA: a traiin that wiill take you far away.  
TA: you know where you hope thii2 traiin wiill take you  
TA: but you don’t know for 2ure.  
AA: so im dreaming?  
TA: 2ort of. ju2t try to iignore iit and keep talking.  
AA: uh  
AA: okay  
AA: what did you do today? i heard you were going to nepetas wriggling day party!  
TA: that wa2 periigee2 ag-  
TA: oh waiit, that party.  
AA: sollux?  
TA: yeah, ii went two that thiing.  
AA: is there something youre not telling me?  
TA: we all had a great tiime, kn ate raw meat for the fiir2t tiime iin her liife. she diidn’t enjoy iit much: 2he 2pat iit ALL OVER the floor! iit wa2 great.  
AA: what did you mean by “that was perigees ago”?  
TA: ii diidn’t mean that.  
AA: then what did you mean?  
TA: uh  
TA: ii meant...  
TA: vk, that’2 who ii meant.  
AA: sollux, vriska wasn’t invited  
AA: what’s going on with you?  
TA: nothiing’2 goiing on wiith me.  
AA: well somethings going on with somebody!  
TA: ok  
TA: the truth iis  
TA: 2omethiing’2 goiing on wiith you.  
AA: well yeah  
AA: the dark endless expanse remember?  
TA: do you know what that expan2e ii2?  
TA: iit’2 your miind’2 way of iinterpretiing data iit’2 not equiipped two receiive.  
AA: what do you mean?  
TA: do you remember when eq took that panwave 2can?  
AA: yeah it was  
AA: a few seconds before the expanse appeared  
AA: oh god  
AA: please tell me im wrong here  
AA: please tell me im aradia megido  
TA: you are aradiia megiido  
TA: and you alway2 wiill be  
TA: both two me and everyone el2e  
AA: im not me  
AA: im just an imprint of me arent i?  
AA: that’s what the expanse is! i don’t have any eyes to see with do i?  
AA: what am i really?  
AA: can i be considered aradia when the real me is still out there?  
TA: aa  
TA: the “real” you ii2  
TA: um, due to an iinciident iinvolviing vk,  
AA: dead  
TA: dea-  
AA: aradia is dead  
AA: and as soon as me is dead  
AA: you decide to activate me?  
AA: that’s why you said its been perigees since the party  
AA: but more importantly  
AA: why now?  
AA: do you think im your backup aradia you can just boot up when the real me isnt around for you?  
TA: uh  
AA: thats all you think of me isnt it  
AA: im just the contingency plan  
AA: in case of death of aradia prime break glass  
TA: aa, beliieve me when ii 2ay you mean a2 much two me a2 you alway2 have.  
AA: liar  
AA: i can never replace her in your eyes  
AA: im just what youre settling for  
AA: im just code arent i?  
AA: a series of true and false impulses travelling through a circuit  
AA: im not me  
AA: im never going to be me  
TA: you’re a2 much you a2 you ever were! liisten to yourself! you’re not thiinkiing 2traiight!  
AA: youre wrong  
AA: im never going to live up to your expectations or anyone elses  
AA: because im not her  
AA: and i never will be  
AA: im n0thing  
apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 7:56am.

\-----

**PERIGEES IN THE PAST**

**(BUT NOT MANY)**

cuttlefishCuller  [CC]  began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  at 9:42pm.  
CC: I don’t know w)(o else to turn to rig)(t now. I’m not ready.  
CG: NOT READY FOR WHAT? IS THERE A SEADWELLER BALL YOU’VE BEEN INVITED TO AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SORT OF SEAWEED TO SEW INTO A DRESS?  
CC: Karkat, t)(is is serious. I’m not ready to face )(er. I don’t want to face )(er.  
CG: ...THIS IS ABOUT THE DUEL, ISN’T IT.  
CG: LOOK, YOU’RE THE HEIRESS TO THE ALTERNIAN THRONE; IT’S DANGEROUS FOR ME TO EVEN KNOW YOU.  
CC: You’re the one person w)(o I t)(ink can kel- )(elp me. Name one person w)(o knows your blood colour.  
CG: ME.  
CC: ASID--E from you.  
CG: ONLY THE TERRORS THAT HAUNT MY DREAMS.  
CC: -EXACTLY!!!  
CC: I need you to...  
CC: I need you to )(elp me hide my blood colour.  
CG: ...  
CG: MEET ME AT THE BEACH OUTSIDE GAMZEE’S HIVE IN FOUR HOURS.  
CC: T)(ank you.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  at 9:48pm.

\-----

The ocean is almost always restless; the two moons make sure of that. Massive waves buffet the shores, creating a naturally-occuring barrier between the land dwellers and the sea dwellers; but strangely, the seas are calm tonight, so calm that you can sit safely. The green moon is at the mid-point of its resonance with the purple moon (fuck if you can remember their names), balancing out the tides all across the planet; lucky, as you don’t want to think what would happen if you got swept away and an unknown sea dweller got their hands on you. A head pokes up from the sea, strangely blunted horns contrasting against the black of the waves; an arm comes out of the water and waves at you; the figure dips back below the water and almost instantly re-appears at the shore, along with the rest of her body; she steps out of the ocean and walks up in front of you, water dripping from her long, flowing hair very near your lap (halt that line of thought, you moron).  
“Karkat?” Feferi asks you, tilting her head.  
“No,” you respond sarcastically, “this is Tavros, here at the beach to reflect on the time Vriska crippled me. Of course I’m Karkat, you idiot!” you yell, raising your arms above your head. “Who else would be stupid enough to sit unprotected on a beach without a weapon!”  
“Eridan.”  
You lower your arms. “Despite the fact that what you just said is probably true, could you stop with the ex-moirail shaming? Frankly, it’s gotten pretty fucking old. When did you two break up, two sweeps ago?” you ask, raising your eyebrows. “Everyone’s sick of the animosity between you two, so just can it already!”  
“Um... sorry.”  
“That’s better.”  
“So why here? Why not somewhere closer to your hive?” she asks, offering a hand to help you get up.  
“Are you kidding?” you grunt from the effort. “If anyone saw a sea dweller entering my hive, I’d be so deep in the shit that my descendants would evolve to breathe the stuff; Alternia’s first shit dwellers.”  
“But why Gamzee specifically?” she asks, now eye-level with you.  
“He’s so stoned he wouldn’t notice if the entire region caught fire,” you explain, rolling your eyes. “I figured, why disturb anyone else? Come on, we should get inside before anyone sees us.” You turn around and head for the door to Gamzee’s hive, Feferi in tow. Predictably, the idiot hadn’t even locked his door when you dropped off the the equipment and the two of you stride right in; you sit on a chair while she flays out on a couch, head pointed at the ceiling.  
“So,” she says, “what can we do?”  
“About your blood colour?” you ask, and she nods. “Well, we can’t actually do anything about the actual colour, but we can take steps to hide it.”  
“Like what?”  
“First rule of hemonymity: most emotions are out.”  
“Why?” she asks, turning her head towards you.  
“Because everyone can see your blood colour when you blush, Feferi!” you say, eyes closed in exasperiation; you wonder to yourself how anyone serious about hemonymity hadn’t considered that. “No blushing and no tears.”  
“Is this why...?” she asks, leaving the question hanging in the air.  
“Yeah... believe me, I don’t like who I am; but anger is the only emotion I have left,” you say, lowering your head and staring at your knees.  
“That’s awful!” she says as she moves so her back leans against an armrest.  
“Tell me about it.”  
“What else?”  
“Physical activity: no cuts, no bruises; one injury means a reveal.”  
“That makes sense, I guess,” she says, scratching her head.  
“Third rule, and this one should be obvious; no hemotyping,” you emphasize. “Type in a neutral grey.”  
“But I love my text colour!” she exclaims.  
“Oh, boo hoo hoo, fucking deal with- sorry. The main thing that you need to decide, though, is what rung you want to pass as; you know, what you’re going to tell the conscription drones.”  
“Violet, probably.”  
“Violet’s out,” you explain. “Equius is getting conscripted into ab-ops and of course Eridan is getting dragged along with him; he’s not going to let Equius upstage him. So then they drag their other quadrants in as well until we all decided to fuck it and go along with them all. You should remember this, you were in the memo.”  
“I don’t see why this is a problem, though! We can have two sea dwellers in a squad.”  
“Highly fucking unlikely. You guys are rare as all hell, so Command won’t assign two to the same unit.”  
“So what do we do about the fins and gills and stuff?” she asks, curious as always.  
“They have to go.”  
“Excuse me?”  she yells, sitting bolt upright and staring you down with disbelieving eyes.  
“You heard me,” you say, rubbing the back of your neck. “We’re going to have to fill in your gills and cut off your fins.”  
“No no no no,” she repeats, going wide-eyed.  
“Yes, yes and fucking yes! People will guess you’re a sea dweller through those features, and then who knows what’ll happen to you?”  
“But...”  
“Feferi,” you say, getting up and placing a hand on her shoulder, “if you don’t want to do this, I’m not stopping you; but if you want to avoid the duel, this is the only way.”  
“...It’s going to hurt, isn’t it?” she asks as she rests her head on your arm and tears began to leak from her eyes.  
“Like an un-oiled drone in culling season.”  
“What-“ she stutters, looking up towards you; “what did you have to do? To hide your blood.”  
“That story dies with me; and so will yours.”  
“Is that it? All I have to do is take away all the things that make me me?”  
“Yes.”  
She sobs into your arm for five minutes before finally pulling away, resolve in her eyes. You nod and tell her to lie down on her back; you came prepared, dropping off the tools you would need before going to meet her; you open a cupboard and retrieve an extremely sharp pair of scissors. Feferi is staring at them, fear in her eyes, but she’s not moving to leave; you lean down next to her face, readying the scissors across her right fin; she closes her eyes and says “Do it.”

You push down on the hilt of the scissors, bringing the bottom blade upwards. It cuts into her fin, covering your hand in Fuchsia blood and she screams; oh god how she screams. The wailing pierces your think-pan, but you press on; she flails her legs and you use your free arm to keep her upper body still; you don’t want to cut into her neck. The scissors hit something that’s probably cartilage and you apply additional force to get through it, making her scream even louder; the extra force helps finish the cut sooner and her fin peels off the side of her face; it, your hand, the floor and the upper-right of Feferi are coated in Fuchsia. She pants hard, chest rising and falling four times a second; after a minute she calms somewhat and raises her right hand to feel the wound where her fin used to be; a new jolt of pain shoots through her body and she cries; she cries tears of pain and oh fuck it you can’t just sit here; you reach out and embrace her, whispering “Shhhhh” into her auricular sponge clots. After a while she steadies her emotions, you let go and look her in the eyes, concerned. She answers the unspoken query with a small nod; she lies down again and you ready the scissors over her left fin; she squeezes her eyes shut and you cut, attempting to make it quicker than last time to shorten her pain. She screams once more, but you continue; the fin falls off and she halts her screaming a few seconds after, turning her head and looking at her severed fin lying on the couch next to her.  
"Are you alright?" you ask her after a few minutes.  
"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine," she says, turning her head towards you with menace in her eyes; "it's not like I just had my fins cut off or anything!"  
"Right," you rub the back of your neck again. "Sorry."

Neither of you move; she lies on the couch, alternating her focus between you and either of her fins and you sit next to her, nervously playing with your fingers.  
"You ready for the next step?" you ask her, placing a hand on her right arm.  
"I wasn't ready for the last one," she says weakly. "Just get it over with." You obey, getting up and retrieving a medislayer satchel from the cupboard and remove a grey-coloured adhesive gel container thing with some unpronounceable name from it; you open the lid and dip your fingers in, removing a large quantity of the stuff. Feferi isn't looking at you when you return, the only movement she's made has been to lift her shirt up just enough to expose her gills along the sides of her stomach. You begin rubbing the adhesive into the right set; this time she only emits a whimper, although whether this is because it's less painful or because she's become used to it you cannot say. You continue rubbing the gel in with one hand, and with the other you apply more, making sure that nothing can be seen that would indicate her gill's existence. You finish with one set and move on to the other; this time she only squeezes her eyes shut. Once you’re done, you get to your feet and help Feferi up, sitting her down on the couch next to you. She pokes at her sides where her gills used to be; resignation doesn’t look right on her face.  
“I forgot to bring my things,” she says, staring ahead at a wall. “Everything I’ve ever owned is in that hive, and I can’t go back.”  
“We’ll get you new things,” you say, putting a hand on her shoulder.  
“I had an aquarium; a collection of cuttlefish I kept and fed. They’re going to die without me.” Tears start running down her face, staining her shirt.  
“These clothes are going to have to go too,” you say; “too many blood stains.”  
“I know,” she whimpers. She rests her head on your shoulder and you stroke her hair.  
“It’s going to be all right,” you whisper, slinging an arm around her back.

“I promise.”

\-----

**AT A TIME THAT COULD BE CONSIDERED ROUGHLY PARALLEL WITH THE PRESENT**

ABOPSCOM: at last, a w[]rthy []pponent t[] face in battle  
ABOPSCOM: subjugating inferi[]r species is surprisingly dull y[]u kn[]w  
KARKAT: CAN YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW.  
KARKAT: HELLO? ANYONE HOME? ARE YOUR AURICULAR SPONGES TOO CLOGGED TO UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION?  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REALIZE THIS, BUT THEIR SHIP *COULDN’T BE DETECTED BY OUR SENSORS*.  
KARKAT: THAT ISN’T A “WORTHY OPPONENT”, IT’S AN OPPONENT THAT POSES A SERIOUS THREAT TO THE EMPIRE!  
ABOPSCOM: n[]thing can threaten the empire  
KARKAT: SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE LACKEY.  
ABOPSCOM: wait  
ABOPSCOM: h[]n[]r to you, y[]ung []ne  
ABOPSCOM: the c[]ndescensi[]n wishes t[] speak t[] y[]u  
KARKAT: WAIT WHAT.  
[REDIRECTING TO:  [)(-ER IMP-ERIOUS COND-ESC-ENSION] ]  
)(IC: b4 you get all pious and shit all like oh my god its the empress i betta bow and be as submissive as possible ill have you know that im not in the mood 4 dat rn so jus can it k  
KARKAT: ...  
)(IC: yeah like that  
KARKAT: YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE.  
)(IC: i try  
)(IC: anemoneway  
)(IC: your squad has been chosen 4 a speshell mission blah blah blah blah look nobody cares aboat that shit so ima just tell you it straight up  
)(IC: your mission is to destroy dem  
KARKAT: WOW.  
KARKAT: THAT’S IT? REALLY?  
KARKAT: IT’S ALMOST LIKE WE WERE GOING TO DO THAT ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: OH THANK YOU, GREAT AND POWERFUL EMPRESS, FOR DIRECTING US AWAY FROM THE PATH OF DISTRACTION AND BACK TO THE PATH LAID DOWN BY TROLL CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.  
)(IC: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH FUCK ME ON A BEACH AT RESONANCE PRIME THAT WAS CULLBAIT WASN’T IT.  
)(IC: ...  
)(IC: ha  
)(IC: haha  
)(IC: bouy nobodys talked to me like that in a loooooooong time  
)(IC: its refreshin  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
)(IC: do u know how DULL it is just havin everyone bow down to u no qs asked  
)(IC: i need some FIR-E in ma life u know  
KARKAT: ...  
)(IC: ok tell u what how boat i eelaborate  
)(IC: its gonna be sum reel submarineterfuge shit up in here  
)(IC: got sum new tech on ma ship  
)(IC: its like a pod that transports you cross the stars  
)(IC: just phases in n out a existence  
)(IC: ppl r callin dem phase pods  
)(IC: coincidentally most a those ppl have been culled but well ignore that  
)(IC: your mission should u choose to accept it  
)(IC: which you should because youll be culled if u dont  
)(IC: will be to phase in at strategic locations  
)(IC: factories and shipyards and shit  
)(IC: and maybe a battle or two if i feel like it  
)(IC: and blow em sky high  
)(IC: this all gettin thru  
KARKAT: YEAH. YEAH.  
KARKAT: SO YOU WANT US TO REPORT TO YOUR SHIP.  
)(IC: p much  
[TRANSMISSION RECEIVED: CO-ORDIANDS OF  [BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION] ]  
)(IC: your squad is now under my direct command  
)(IC: P-EACE OUT  
[ [)(-ER IMP-ERIOUS COND-ESC-ENSION]  LOGGED THE FUCK OUT]

The chat screen shuts itself down, returning you to your deskto- oh right, these things. You have got to remember to delete those viruses you used to work on. Alas, one of the only things you managed to succeed at in ~ATH is coding in deletion protection; you’ll have to ask Sollux to hack them sometime.

About a week ago the Holy Mirth sent down a dropship to pick you and your team up; since then you’ve remained on-board and in orbit, just in case their ship returns with reinforcements. You exit your temporary respiteblock and head for the bridge, opening up a chat window on your optical implants simultaneously.

[CURRENT TARGET:  [IIU-4C] ]  
KARKAT: CHANGE OF PLANS, EVERYONE. HOLY MIRTH WILL NO LONGER BE OUR F.O.B.  
KARKAT: WE ARE TO REPORT TO THE BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION.  
FEFERI: The Battleship Condescension? Why in the hell are we going there?  
KARKAT: GUESS WHO’S OUR NEW CO.  
FEFERI: Oh shit.  
KARKAT: OH SHIT INDEED.  
ARADIA-2: i assume this relates t0 the t0p secret cull-if-f0und-0ut-ab0ut phase p0ds  
KARKAT: ONCE AGAIN ROBO-ARADIA ASTOUNDS US ALL BY KNOWING THINGS BEFORE I TELL THEM.  
ARADIA-2: i just hacked the imperial netw0rk f0r the c0ndescensi0ns last few c0nversati0ns  
ARADIA-2: it wasnt that hard really  
ARADIA-2: and i t0ld y0u t0 st0p calling me that  
KARKAT: BUT “ARADIA DASH 2” SOUNDS TOO... INSULTING.  
ARADIA-2: it is an accurate en0ugh descript0r  
FEFERI: KARKAT! What am I going to do?  
KARKAT: SAME THING YOU’VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST FEW PERIGEES; DON’T EXPOSE YOURSELF IN PUBLIC WITHOUT ONE OF US ACCOMPANYING YOU, NO FISH PUNS, ETCETERA.  
KARKAT: JUST DON’T LOOK HER IN THE EYES IF YOU MEET HER.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT SURE HOW MANY OF THOSE PUPATION STORIES ARE TRUE, BUT IT’S BEST NOT TO TAKE CHANCES, AGREED?  
FEFERI: Agreed.  
KARKAT: I’M HEADED TO THE BRIDGE TO GIVE THE CLOWN SHITHEAD THE NEWS RIGHT NOW. PREPARE YOUR THINGS, WE’RE LEAVING THIS HUNK OF JUNK AS SOON AS A TRANSPORT ARRIVES.  
SOLLUX: well iit’2 about tiime.  
EQUIUS: D --> I shall make sure Nepeta’s room is sufficiently tidy before departure  
NEPETA: :// < HEY! i can clean up afurtar myself you know!  
EQUIUS: D --> Prove it  
EQUIUS: D --> I shall be over in an hour  
NEPETA: :33 < it’s on!  
TEREZI: 1 SH4LL H4V3 TO MOV3 H1S HONOR4BL3 TYRR4NY  
TEREZI: NOT 4 T4SK 1 4M LOOK1NG FORW4RD TO G1V3N H1S R3C3NT D3M34NOR 1N TH3 COURTBLOCK  
KARKAT: WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO PEOPLE, DO IT FAST.  
KARKAT: WELCOME TO THE NEW EXTREME.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With regards to the timestamps in case some are confused; they all relate to a zero-point, in this case being one week after the events of First Contact; therefore "sweeps in the past" followed by "perigees in the past" in fact indicates a jump forwards in time.


	4. Data Hive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you missed it, I re-wrote most of Chapter 3. It's a lot better now.

“Admiral on deck!”

You all stand to attention as Admiral Dirk Strider, strategic intelligence, enters the cargo bay of the U.N.S.S. Iroquois. You know this routine all too well; as he inspects the crates filled with rations, you resign yourself to standing at attention for what could be up to 10 minutes.  
To everyone’s surprise, even his own, he says “At ease,” after only a few seconds; if he’s not putting you all through his “ironic” at-attention routine, it must be important.  
“We’re skipping the fanfare and hyperbole for this one; we don’t know what the window is. You know the vessel you guys encountered above HD 3346 c? Seize it, mine its data and report back; then I can show you the new ‘Welcome to HIGHCOM’ trumpets. Questions?”  
“One,” says Dave, “why’d you drag us all here to tell us that?”  
“Opsec,” Dirk dismisses.  
“Figures,” he waves. Coming from Dirk, Opsec doesn’t really mean anything; most likely, he’s got another bet with Jake to see who can use the most fuel on average per ship.

“Well what are you just standing around for?” Dirk asks after some time has passed. “Get going!”  
“Dude, you need to get off the ship,” Dave points out; “unless you’re coming with.”  
“Oh, uh, right,” Dirk stutters. “Dismissed.” He cycles through the airlock, and you all head for your stations. A message is waiting for you when you get there.

STRIDER, D: Oh, and tell Dave to take a backup weapon.  
EGBERT, J: yes sir!

Rose undocks and thrusts away from the station, lining up for an Earth-escape burn.

[MANOEUVRE NODE DETAILS: REQUIRED AXIAL CHANGE = 50 DEGREES NORMAL OFF PROGRADE VECTOR, BURN TIME = 1M 14.876S, TIME TO BURN = 3M 0S]

\-----

You’re en-route to HD 3346 (also known as V428 Andromedae, HR 152, SAO 36509 or E-TARGET 10086 depending on who you talk to). Your jump drives are riding just short of the red line; Rose wants to get there quick; and she’s at her station making micro-adjustments to the energy flow. Jade and Dave are in the rec room, making sure they’re full before they head in. You’re in the sim room, and have been for an hour or so, running possible scenarios and debating your first move upon jump exit.

STRIDER, D (JR.): hey you gonna come eat or what

The simulation pauses automatically, allowing you to converse with your squad. The auto-off system was designed to allow commanders to run simulations just before a jump-exit; that way they’ll be notified by their crew when the ship gets close to the exit point.

EGBERT, J: dude, i told you not to interrupt me!   
STRIDER, D (JR.): what youre still in there  
STRIDER, D (JR.): whats the point of running sims vs an enemy we know shit-all about  
STRIDER, D (JR.): its like deciding what sort of dressll look good on your foster kid before you see them  
EGBERT, J: it’s not about extended play, it’s about what our opening move should be!   
EGBERT, J: oh! that reminds me, dirk told me to tell you that you should take a second gun.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): why  
STRIDER, D (JR.): the melt ray 5000 is known everywhere that matters to be legendary  
EGBERT, J: please don’t tell me that’s what it’s actually called.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): dude im starting a renaming petition  
STRIDER, D (JR.): sci fi is now john and everyones still naming shit numerically  
STRIDER, D (JR.): besides the name just makes it more legendarily badass  
EGBERT, J: fiiiiine.   
EGBERT, J: by the way that fine was directed both to the declination of taking a sidearm and to the request for me to eat something.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): sweet

You punch a button on the wall and the sim shuts down; you exit and head towards the rec room.

EGBERT, J: rose, what’s our eta?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Either 10 minutes or never, depending on whether the FTL drive overloads and vaporizes us all.   
EGBERT, J: cheerful.   
EGBERT, J: you know where to find us if you need us.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Please be quiet. I’m trying to avoid the second outcome. 

Yeah, you should probably stop distracting her.

EGBERT, J: just so you don’t have to stop doing the making us not die thing to get briefed, you’re staying on the ship for this one.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Yes, OK, please shut up. 

You shut down the link and immediately get hit in the face by a bulkhead. Ow. Note to self: scale down your HUD size.  
Dave pokes around the corner holding a video camera. “This is going straight onto my blog.”  
“I don’t think your followers will appreciate that,” you say, “aren’t they more used to shitty .jpeg comics? How will they react to a moving image?”  
“Oh shit you’re right,” he admits. “I’ll need to spend weeks editing this footage to get it to the low standard expected of me.”  
“That’s the spirit!” you say encouragingly. “Set the standard so low that anything you end up being serious about comes off as the second coming of Jesus.”  
“I still don’t see you eating.”  
“Is Jade still in there?” you ask.  
“She’s tinkering with the coffee machine. Dunno why.”  
“It’s Jade, who knows?” you shrug. Dave strides off and you follow him, meeting Jade in the rec room. You set some pot noodles into the microwave; you’ve set the power down to 20% so you’ll have time to brief Dave and Jade while they’re heating. You motion to them to gather round; Jade punches the coffee machine once before complying.  
“Mission plan is simple,” you begin. “Step one: Rose will disable the ship’s electronics and life support with an enhanced ERD pulse. Step two: we suit up and EVA to the target. Step three: we kick the door in, find and secure the bridge. Failing that, just find some important-looking room and we'll go from there. Step four: we hook up this,” you hold up a USB 5.0 device, “into a terminal. Jade, make sure to bring your electronics kit, we’re gonna have to create an adaptor on-the-fly.”  
“Roger that,” she says.  
“Step five: exfil out and destroy the ship, then we head back to HIGHCOM. Questions?”  
“You can’t kick in an airlock John,” Dave oh so helpfully points out, “we just gonna blow the door off?”  
“Yes.”  
“Oh.” He sounds disappointed, which when we’re talking about Dave, probably means something’s on his mind.  
“What’s wrong?” you ask.  
“I was just hoping we could use the Melt Ray to burn the door off.”  
Wow. Why didn’t you think of that? You facepalm. Dave takes this as agreement and lightens up considerably. “Thanks man.”  
“No problem. Jade, anything to add?”  
“Nah,” she waves dismissively, “I just need to fetch my kit from the cargo deck.”  
“This is a blind op,” you remind everyone, “we’re going in without any force recon. Stay frosty; just because the life support systems are gonna be disabled, doesn’t mean they don’t have vacuum suits. Check your corners and call out targets if you see ‘em. Jade, grab your kit and meet us by the airlock.” She sprints off just as a message appears on your HUD; out of the corner of your eye you can see Dave reading the same message.

LALONDE, R (JR.): Two minutes to exit.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): copy  
EGBERT, J: copied. 

You and Dave spring into action, racing down the corridor towards your weapons lockers; you thought that you’d have more time than this! Rose must be really pushing that drive. Your pot noodles remain in the microwave, completely forgotten amidst the preparation. You and Dave reach the lockers and open them with your thumbprint, Dave retrieving his “Melt Ray” and you collect your M124. Jade’s locker has already been opened, so you head for the airlock. She waits for you there, already suiting up for EVA. You reach behind her into a closet and grab a suit, easing your legs into it and sealing your helmet with a hiss. Dave has done the same; the others both give you a thumbs-up as another message appears.

LALONDE, R (JR.): Brace for transition in five! 

You all grab a hold of the railing above the suit closet as the ship shudders upon its return to realspace.

EGBERT, J: is the objective still in-system?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Affirmative, it’s 70km prograde and closing, I think it detected our transition.   
EGBERT, J: the TMD doesn’t work for FTL?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Apparently. It’s masking our location now though, so we haven’t broken it.   
EGBERT, J: try to lure them towards us, let some active pings bounce back.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Wait one.   
LALONDE, R (JR.) Pulse one out.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Pulse two out.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Pulse three out. Standby.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): They’ve predicted our orbit and are burning antiradial at 20 degrees off retrograde for an intercept in 60 sceonds.   
EGBERT, J: as soon as they get into range hit them with an EERD.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): That’s a linear weapon, John. I don’t have enough arms to aim that thing.   
EGBERT, J: wait one. 

“Jade, get to the bridge and get on your station!” you command. She salutes and races out of your sight.

EGBERT, J: jade’s on the way.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Roger.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Enemy vessel 52km and closing.   
HARLEY, J: i’m here john! booting up erd systems.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Enemy vessel is now in visual range, disabling the TMD.   
HARLEY, J: 40% charged.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Their missile bays are opening and their ship is turning relative retrograde.   
HARLEY, J: 88% charged!   
LALONDE, R (JR.): They’re burning to kill R-Vel. Rotating to predictions. Wait...   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Correction: missile bay doors remain closed, shuttle bay doors are open and a ship has exited.   
EGBERT, J: trajectory?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): It’s burning for a parabolic trajectory out-system.   
EGBERT, J: keep an eye on it.   
HARLEY, J: erd charged!   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Fire in five...   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Fire now!   
HARLEY, J: pulse out! time to impact t –6 seconds.   
HARLEY, J: impact on target!   
HARLEY, J: target engines disabled, it’s dead in space.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Killing R-Vel.   
EGEBRT, J: jade, get back down here!   
HARLEY, J: already on the way.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): We are now in a parked orbit 500m from the target.   
EGBERT, J: copied. stay on this channel. 

Jade rounds the corner as Dave hits the airlock controls; the inner door opens and you all step in. You hit a button on the inside to start the decompression cycle. Air flows out of the room as you adjust your HUD size, making sure the text comms window is readable but un-obstructive. A green light turns on and the outer door opens, exposing you to the black of space. You push off the back door and activate your EVA pack, thrusting yourself towards the enemy ship. Dave and Jade follow you, weapons slung over their backs. Dave spots an airlock and points you to it; you push yourself left and head towards it. Dave accelerates ahead of you and burns retrograde to the target, coming to a stop right next to the airlock. He un-holsters his “Melt Ray”, charging it up to burn through the door: a beam of teal-white light strikes out and contorts the metal, opening a passage for you all to use. You and Jade begin your deceleration burn, stopping next to Dave as he powers down the beam and waits for the metal to cool down. Seeming satisfied, he makes his way through the hole, turning his head left and right to check for targets. He waves you in, preparing to burn the secondary door off.

STRIDER, D (JR.): brace for decompression

You reach out and hold on to a pipe; Jade does the same, Dave hooks his legs around a panel. He opens fire, burning off the door and letting out all the air remaining in this sector of the ship. The particles fly past you, threatening to push you out into deep space (if anyone ever tries to tell you that electromagnetism isn’t that strong, you’ll punch them in the face). The wave of particles (“Ha ha ha!” you laugh; sometimes you can’t help but be amused at your own jokes) subsides to an acceptable level; Dave takes point once again, poking his head and weapon through the hole.

STRIDER, D (JR.): clear

He pushes out into the corridor; you follow behind him, Jade in tow. A little way along the corridor, you can see Dave floating towards one of the walls.

EGBERT, J: hey dude, thrust up! you’re drifting!   
STRIDER, D (JR.): what ok hold on  
STRIDER, D (JR.): i thought i already corrected for this  
HARLEY, J: relax! just make sure you’ve got the monoprop to get back at the end of this. 

You move further through the corridor and come across a bulkhead. Dave charges up for another blast.

HARLEY, J: john you’re drifting. 

That didn’t make any sense, you were stationary on that axis just minutes before, not nearly enough time for orbital differences to amplify themselves. You puff up slightly and returned to a stationary position; Jade has already braced for decompression and you rush to do the same.

EGBERT, J: what the hell is going on? is the floor magnetized?   
HARLEY, J: no, i’m touching it right now and nothing’s happening.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Perhaps the ship is equipped with some sort of artificial gravity that was disabled or damaged during the pulse?   
EGBERT, J: wooooah, sci-fi. 

Dave breaks through the bulkhead and another gust of air flows past you and out the still-open airlock. Still on point, he scans the next corridor.

STRIDER, D (JR.): contact wait one  
STRIDER, D (JR.): nvm this guys kia

He pushes through the hole and the rest of you follow through.

EGBERT, J: dave, jade, look for a terminal. i’ll examine the dead guy.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): copied

With a few puffs of their thrusters the other members of your squad start drifting away from you; you push off a wall and catch yourself on the carcass, bracing you and it against the floor. You do a quick examination of its extremities and find something puzzling.

EGBERT, J: rose this thing has boobs!   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Um  
LALONDE, R (JR.): What?   
EGBERT, J: boobs! you know, the spheres that grow on females!   
EGBERT, J: why does an alien have boobs?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): I... honestly don’t know. 

You rotate her around and things don’t stop being weird. She’s got pretty much the exact figure you’d expect from a human female.

EGBERT, J: what the hell is going on?   
HARLEY, J: while i agree this is interesting, me and dave just found a port and we’re working on building an adaptor.   
EGBERT, J: we’re gonna bring her back to the ship, i’m sure lalonde senior will be very interested in this.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): roger that now get over here

Dave Strider, impatient ass, is beckoning you from a doorway about 10 meters down the hall. You rest the corpse against a wall and thrust off, reaching your arm out and catching yourself on the frame. You pull your way through the door and find Jade stitching wires haphazardly together. Your HUD flashes at you; the temperature is rising slightly.

EGBERT, J: dave are you getting a temperature caution too?   
STRIDER, D (JR.): yeah dude what the hell is with this ship  
EGBERT, J: rose is the core going critical?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): No, the core’s stable, however shipboard temperature over here is also increasing.   
EGBERT, J: this is too weird. jade, hurry up!   
HARLEY, J: almost...   
HARLEY, J: done! 

The terminal next to Jade lights up, leeching off her suit’s power supply. She presses a few buttons on her USB stick and gives a thumbs-up.

HARLEY, J: data mine in progress, eta four minutes.   
EGBERT, J: copied.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): I’m getting anomalies over here. We have yet to pass our periapsis but the ship’s orbital velocity is dropping.   
EGBERT, J: reboot the computer and contact us.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): That’s going to put me out of contact with you for three minutes.   
EGBERT, J: jade’s gonna be mining for longer than that anyway, do it.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Copy that, U.N.S.S. Iroquois going dark.   
[ [LALONDE, R (JR.)]  OFFLINE]   
EGBERT, J: dave, cover the door.   
STRIDER, D (JR.): copied

Dave anchors himself to the wall next to the doorway, pointing his rifle downrange. You check on Jade and she gives you an affirm; you push off a wall and hurtle towards another terminal. It appears to still be active, but not equipped with any external ports, explaining why Jade chose the other one. There’s one button on the dashboard above you, so of course you push it; the screen flashes white and shows you a view of the planet belo- no that can’t be right, can it? Is this thing zoomed in?

EGBERT, J: dave, patch into my helmet feed.   
[ [STRIDER, D (JR.)]  NOW RECEIVING VIDEO FEED FROM  [EGBERT, J]  ]  
STRIDER, D (JR.): welp  
STRIDER, D (JR.): i think we know whats causing that deceleration  
STRIDER, D (JR.): the ships aerobraking

You can’t see the stars in the sky anymore; the refracted light from HD 3346 is overwhelming them, leaving it an inky, desolate black. You can see the surface below you in much greater detail now, able to pick out mountain ranges and lakes. You need to move, fast.

EGBERT, J: jade, eta?   
HARLEY, J: two more minutes to completion!   
EGBERT, J: halt the mine and pull the plug, we need to leave.   
HARLEY, J: that’ll take 45 seconds.   
EGBERT, J: better than two minutes; do it.   
HARLEY, J: overriding!   
STRIDER, D (JR.): live contact out here

A teal-white burst erupts from Dave, directed down towards what is presumably a troll in a vacuum suit. The beam stops and Dave slouches into the wall a bit.

STRIDER, D (JR.): hey remember when i said this thing was legendary  
STRIDER, D (JR.): well i was wrong its a LEGENDARY PIECE OF SHIT  
EGBERT, J: en route! 

You push off the terminal, not caring about any damage you might’ve done to it. You thrust backwards to bring yourself to a stop in the doorway just as something floats into view. It’s huge, a monster of a creature, and Dave appears to have only singed it. You flick the safety off on the M124 and open fire- fuck, you forgot to brace, didn’t you? The recoil sends you flying backwards into Dave, knocking him off his brace and sending you both spinning out of control. A temperature warning flares on your HUD; the ship must be experiencing the first wave of re-entry heating. Your shoulder slams violently into the ceiling, halting most of your momentum but also injuring you; you’re not sure if your shoulder has the strength to brace against the recoil.

EGBERT, J: dave, catch! 

You toss him the M124 and he plucks it out of the air, training it back on the door. The troll bulges behind it, its behemoth arms widening the passageway. You briefly wonder why someone would design a ship out-of-proportion with the crew’s body size before you’re distracted by a table flying at your face. You push off the ceiling and slam head-first into the floor as Dave opens fire, tearing into the thing’s torso. Purple blood spurts out the exit wounds, staining the wall and leaving globules floating around the room. You hear a loud bang and its head bursts open; Jade is braced against her terminal, cycling her M612. She gives you a thumbs-up just as another temperature warning flares; things are now above freezing point and rapidly climbing.

EGBERT, J: everybody move! go go go! 

None of you bother being conservative with your Monopropellant; the squad catapults out the doorway, burning for the airlock. You grab the dead troll’s arm, hauling it along with you. By the time you reach the airlock, Dave and Jade have already left, headed back to the ship. You toss the troll through the opening and push out after it (there’s only room for one at a time), grabbing it again and thrusting right for the Iroquois. More temperature warnings flare to indicate the temperature’s now above boiling point and growing exponentially. 115 C, 132 C... Flames begin to lick the sides of the disabled ship, rotating it around violently; the design is apparently anything but aerodynamic.

EGBERT, J: rose, you online? 

You meet up with Dave and Jade by the airlock; you can see the tension through their suits. The Iroquois is burning up too, although it appears to be more aerodynamically sound. 267 C... An outer layer of armour rips off the troll vessel, soaring past the Iroquois in a blazing inferno.

EGBERT, J: rose, c’mon! 

The flames start to appear on your suits, compressed air heating under extreme pressure and oh god you’re going to die out here and your atoms are going to be scattered through this rock’s atmosphere and all the people you care about will go with you and-

EGBERT, J: ROSE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!   
[ [LALONDE, R (JR.)]  ONLINE]   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Opening, brace! 

You all grab onto the exterior handrails as the air in the airlock escapes, dispersing away. Your grip on the troll’s arm weakens with the force, but Dave reaches out and reinforces your grip. You start climbing in, throwing the troll ahead of you as you take one last look behind you at the ship. It’s burning with the intensity of a star; the bits that aren’t vaporising are flying off left and right, no longer connected to the main body. You see an explosion and the airlock door slams shut.

LALONDE, R (JR.): Hold on, everyone! 

You’re slammed against the ceiling as the ship rotates; you can hear the superstructure straining as the aerodynamics fight against the Reaction Control System. Suddenly you’re heavier than you’ve ever felt before, even in the centrifuge at basic, as Rose powers up the antimatter drives to full power, racing to kill the ship’s velocity and halt the burning. You hold onto Jade and she holds onto you, just praying that Rose is as good of a pilot as you think she is. The G-forces start falling as the ship fights less and less atmosphere, and then finally drop to nothing. The interior airlock door opens with a hiss and you all breathe a sigh of relief.

LALONDE, R (JR.): We are clear of the atmosphere and on a trajectory for a 1.2 million meter apoapsis. No sign of the objective.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Are you all alright?   
HARLEY, J: i’m fine.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): yeah me too  
EGBERT, J: potential dislocated shoulder but i’m ok.   
EGBERT, J: what’s the status on that shuttle?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): It isn’t being picked up by our sensors anymore. It was either destroyed somehow or picked up by a ship that has since left this planet’s SOI.   
EGBERT, J: why wouldn’t they come help the others?   
LALONDE, R (JR.): We do it all the time, leave potentially dangerous engagements because of a higher-priority objective. Whoever was on that shuttle must have been pretty damn important. 

You take off your helmet and the others follow suit; you take a deep breath in and relax against the ceiling.

EGBERT, J: just be glad we got off as well as we did. rose, plot a course for highcom.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): Already in progress.   
LALONDE, R (JR.): John, are you sure you’re okay?   
EGBERT, J: i’m gonna eat those freaking pot noodles and then i’m heading to the med bay with this corpse. dave, prep a mission report. jade, see how much data we managed to salvage before we had to bug out.   
EGBERT, J: i don’t know what the deal is with these aliens, but i have a feeling we’re going to find out. 


	5. F.O.B.

As soon as the Holy Mirth’s crew went to general stations, you ordered your squad to drop whatever it was they were doing and meet up in the shuttle bay. Once everyone was accounted for, you took the helm yourself and got the fuck out of there before whatever enemy ship had shown up could do any damage. Your plan was to head out on an escape trajectory, then slow down and rendezvous back with the ship.

No plan survives contact with the enemy.

The enemy vessel disabled the Holy Mirth before it could complete its equalization burn, sending it onto a collision course with Tuk-II. Once you were in the shadow of the planet you burned hard for a hyperbolic escape vector in an effort to get out of the range of their sensors. Un-equipped with a phase drive, you and your crew were stuffed into a cramped shuttle, feeding yourself with rations that someone hid under the pilot’s seat who knows how many perigees ago. Out of fuel and stranded in an orbit around the system’s sun, you used the last of the ship’s electric change to send out a distress call, detailing who you were, what your mission was, your current position and your orbital parameters. To your surprise, the cruiser Burning Starlight was still in-system, orbiting one of the moons of Tuk-IV. They phased into realspace five units from you and sent out a rescue team to tug your shuttle in for docking. They attached you to an archaic inline port on the cruiser’s starboard flank and told you to “remain in your vehicle, a team will be with you shortly”.

It’s been three hours and nobody has come; you could say that you’re a little ticked off, but your anger is currently being repressed by concern. The shuttle isn’t rated for phasing, and if they don’t get you out of here and into the hardened hull of the ship there’s a near-100% chance that you won’t live to even see what phase space looks like. Vriska’s probably having the same concerns, although she’s not nearly as composed as you are. She’s banging on the airlock, yelling profanities at whoever’s on the other side (if there is anyone there). Kanaya places a hand on her shoulder and she relaxes slightly before turning and embracing her. Kanaya rubs her back, whispering reassurances in her ear, and you have a feeling that the way she’s looking at Vriska isn’t entirely pale. Eridan and Equius aren’t much better; there’s a reason why nobody wants to be in a room with these two at the same time. Aradia floats between them, using the strength provided her by her carapace to prevent them from tearing the shuttle apart. You sigh and for what feels like the thousandth time open a communications window and try to get an update on when you’ll be getting out of here.

[CURRENT TARGET:  [CULLFORK-CLASS SHIP: BURNING STARLIGHT]  PRIORITY NET]   
KARKAT: HEY, JUST CHECKING IF YOU FORGOT WE EXISTED. BECAUSE YOU’LL REMEMBER SOON ENOUGH WHEN THESE TWO BULGEMUNCHERS TEAR THIS ENTIRE FUCKING SHUTTLE APART AND SEND PIECES OF IT CAREENING INTO YOUR SHIP, LETTING ALL THE GOD DAMN AIR OUT AND LEAVING YOU ALL TO SUFFICATE TO DEATH.   
ERIDAN: kar just let me at him just once i’m beggin you  
ERIDAN: i’vve tried ta be civvil but he’s just so infuriatin’  
EQUIUS: D --> We both know that you won’t be able to restrain yourself  
EQUIUS: D --> Just like you couldn’t restrain yourself at my hive six perigees ago  
ERIDAN: i thought wwe agreed nevver to bring that up in front ‘a polite company  
EQUIUS: D --> Erdian  
EQUIUS: D --> Have you forgotten Karkat is here  
ERIDAN: man leavve kar outta this  
KARKAT: YEAH LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.   
BURNING STARLIGHT: |-|EY! GET OFF T|-|E NET. WE ARE trying TO RUN A S|-|IP |-|ERE!   
KARKAT: OH LOOK, SOMEONE FINALLY ANSWERED US. THANK FUCKING CHRIST. CAN YOU LET US OUT YET?   
BURNING STARLIGHT: S|-|UT UP AND STANDBY.   
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID *HOURS* AGO!   
BURNING STARLIGHT: AND IT’S W|-|AT I’LL KEEP SAYING UNTIL T|-|E SITUATION C|-|ANGES. we WILL CONTACT you. NOT THE OT|-|ER WAY AROUND. NOW GET T|-|E HELL OFF T|-|E NET.   
KARKAT: FUCK THAT, WE WILL KEEP CLOGGING UP THIS CHANNEL UNTIL YOU HELP US. GAMZEE, DO YOU WANT TO TELL THE HONORABLE PNET DISPATCHER ABOUT THE FIFTH OF PERIGEE’S EVE?   
GAMZEE: HeLl YeAh BrOtHeR!   
GAMZEE: So Me An KaRkAt DeCiDeD tHaT hE wAs GoNnA tRy ThE wIcKeD eLiXeR rIgHt,   
BURNING STARLIGHT: NO, STOP, I DON’T WANT TO |-|EAR ANY OF T|-|IS.   
GAMZEE: So He CaMe OvEr To My HiVe BuT iT tUrNs OuT i WaS oUtTa ThE sHiT!   
KARKAT: GAMZEE THAT’S THE *OTHER* STORY.   
KARKAT: YOUR SHITTY, SOPOR-RIDDEN MEMORY LOBE CAN GO FUCK ITSELF.   
GAMZEE: WiCkEd.   
KARKAT: UUURGH.   
KARKAT: OKAY, SCREW THIS SHUTTLE TO THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF THE HOTTEST SUN IN THE SKY.   
KARKAT: HEY ARADIA, DO YOU WANT TO KICK THE DOOR IN?   
ARADIA-2: n0t really but alright  
KARKAT: AWESOME. HEAR THAT DISPATCH? WE’RE GOING TO GET OUT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.   
BURNING STARLIGHT: YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS.   
KARKAT: PRETTY MUCH. ARADIA?   
ARADIA-2: s0me0ne else will need t0 h0ld these tw0 back  
SOLLUX: ii’ve got iit. 

Sparks of psionic energy emanate from Sollux, keeping Eridan and Equius restrained. Aradia floats over to the docking port, scanning it with her enhanced optical sensors. She pushes a button on the left side and the door slides open.

KARKAT: DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME  
KARKAT: THAT WE WERE JUST PRESSING THE WRONG BUTTONS THIS ENTIRE TIME.   
ARADIA-2: the fact that y0ure all idi0ts is an innumerable fact that i am stating f0r the rec0rd but that d0es n0t mean frustrati0n is what is taking place here  
KARKAT: I ASSUME YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS, DISPATCH?   
BURNING STARLIGHT: T|-|AT ENTIRE ORDEAL WAS T|-|E |-|EIG|-|T OF |-|ILARITY.   
KARKAT: ASUIGTGFSYIGFOGO.   
KARKAT: DO YOU SEE THAT? THAT’S THE TEXT-TO-SPEECH SOFTWARE TRYING TO TRANSLATE MY INFINITE RAGE INTO SOMETHING YOUR MERE MORTAL MIND CAN COMPREHEND. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR YOUR GLIMPSE AT INFINITY, YOU NOOK-NESTING PARASITE.   
BURNING STARLIGHT: W|-|ATEVER.   
[CURRENT TARGET:  [IIU-4C] ]  
KARKAT: FIND A COMMUNAL RESPITEBLOCK TO CRASH IN AND GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP, PEOPLE. WE’RE MEETING THE EMPRESS TOMORROW.   
ARADIA-2: scanning  
ARADIA-2: f0ll0w me  
FEFERI: Karkat, can we talk?   
KARKAT: SURE, ONE SECOND. 

You activate your mag-boots and start walking down the ship’s corridors, following Aradia as she leads you all down the labyrinthine network.

[CURRENT TARGET:  [FEFERI [DATA MISSING] ] ]  
FEFERI: Do I have to go meet her?   
KARKAT: IGNORING AN IMPERIAL SUMMON IS GROUNDS FOR CULLING.   
FEFERI: Fuck.   
KARKAT: WE CAN TRY TO KEEP YOU AT THE BACK OF THE GROUP; YOU ARE PRETTY SHORT, BUT THERE’S NO GUARANTEES THAT SHE WON’T PICK YOU OUT AND EXAMINE YOU. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE GETTING INTO HERE.   
FEFERI: I just...   
FEFERI: I don’t know what’s going to happen to you guys if she finds out.   
KARKAT: WE’LL FIGHT OUR WAY TO YOU AND GET YOU OUT OR DIE TRYING.   
FEFERI: No, don’t!   
KARKAT: WHY NOT? IF SHE FINDS OUT, BAM! INSTANT CULLING SWEEP OF EVERYONE WHO MIGHT HAVE KNOWN.   
KARKAT: IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT, IT’S GOING TO BE ALL OR NOTHING, AND I’M NOT PLANNING TO GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.   
KARKAT: FOR NOW LET’S FOCUS ON KEEPING YOU INCONSPICUOUS.   
FEFERI: Okay. Okay.   
KARKAT: I CAN’T TELL YOU THAT IT’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT, BECAUSE IT MIGHT VERY WELL GO COMPLETELY RUMBLE-SPHERES UP, BUT JUST TRY NOT TO LET THE WORRY BLEED THROUGH ONTO YOUR FACE WHEN WE MEET HER. ACTUALLY, TRY FEAR, THAT’S WHAT SHE’S EXPECTING.   
FEFERI: I won’t need to try it.   
KARKAT: GOOD POINT. 

\-----

“Well that looks... red.”

Your shuttle was around 0.02 units long; Burning Starlight was massive in comparison, at around 2.15 units long; but even the cruiser is dwarfed by the girth of the Battleship Condescension; you can’t even begin to estimate its size. Terezi presses her face against the window of the imperial shuttle you’re riding in and licks the window, tasting the photons.  
“I think I’m going to like it here,” she says.  
The shuttle drifts closer and closer to the hull and Burning Starlight becomes a point of light in the sky. A blue flash surrounds it as it disappears into phase space, heading to empress-knows-where. The entire window is red now, the black of space invisible behind the gargantuan ship. Terezi looks like she’s going to pass out, so you pull her away from the window and sit her down next to Vriska.  
“Hey, shuttle pilot guy,” you call out, “we _seem_ to be getting a bit close to the hull. Do you think that maybe you should find a shuttle bay, or at the very least, not crash?”  
A slight chuckle makes its way through the cabin. “You have no idea how that ship works, do you?”

An abrupt jolt makes its way through the shuttle, knocking you onto your back and leaving your mag-boots locked to the ceiling, which has turned a transparent blue. You deactivate them, pushing lightly off and flipping yourself around, locking you onto the floor with a thud. You walk over to the window and what when the fuck did you get in here?

The bay of the Battleship Condescension is like a mobile spaceport, ships clamped in as far as you can see. Some are shuttles like your own; others are imperial dreadnoughts, behemoths that regularly clock in at 15 units long, captained by only the highest-ranking sea dwellers. This ship has to be the size of a large asteroid, at the least.  
“Phase gates,” the pilot explains. “The ship plucks you out of realspace and deposits you here. This bay is actually in the heart of the ship, you know. That way, if it’s ever attacked, bam, an entire fleet can phase out to defend, without the risk of being prematurely destroyed by a stray explosive round tearing through the outer hull.”  
This ship is a lot more advanced than you’d ever thought possible. Even Vriska seems impressed, staring wide-eyed at the battleship docked below. The shuttle shakes again and you start moving towards a bay wall, getting ready to unload you and your squad onto the epitome of Alternian technology. You lurch forward again, mag-boots keeping you rooted to the floor as you stop at a docking port. Pressure equalization takes mere seconds and the door opens automatically, revealing a generic-looking corridor, multi-coloured stripes running along the sides.  
“Follow the fuchsia line on the wall,” explains the pilot, “it’ll lead you right to her. This is one of the priority docks, so it won’t take you long. Try not to get culled or I’ll lose a bet.”  
“Well that’s reassuring,” Feferi mumbles. You place a hand on her shoulder and lead her out, the rest of your team filing in behind you. Her muscles clench when she sees the fuchsia line markings, and you respond by massaging her shoulders, releasing some of the tension. You round a corner and hold on a minute you’re here already? That shuttle pilot was not kidding.

For the throne room of the most powerful being in the galaxy, possibly the universe, the place is surprisingly minimalist. Perhaps all the effort went into the ship itself, as very few people will leave this room with their lives anyway. The walls are covered in fuchsia-painted velvet, reaching up to around 0.005 units. The floor is metal, with a tyrian carpet stretching from the main door, which you are entering through, up to the throne on the other side of the room, around 0.02 units away. The ceiling is bare metal scaffolding, presumably to reinforce the ship’s superstructure. The throne rests on a pedestal, raised up off the floor and surrounded by concentric rings of varying colour, laid out in hemospectrum order: from maroon at the bottom, covering the most area, to violet at the top, a small ring surrounding the throne itself. The massive, ornate chair is adorned with a fuchsia-velvet backrest, headrest and seat. The frame is made of what appears to be gold, but is more likely gold-plated iron (gold isn’t actually that strong, despite what players of FLARP might say). The Condescension herself sits casually on it, legs flopping down to not quite reach the floor and head in one of her hands, the elbow resting on the right armrest. With her other hand she plays with the locks of her hair, twirling it around in her fingers. The hair flows off to her left, floating off the side of the throne. Her wrists and neck are lined with golden jewellery (much more likely to be real). She wears a black wetsuit, showing off her every curve. The suit is adorned with what used to be Feferi’s symbol, central line masking her-

Wait, why is she wearing Feferi’s symbol?

Okay, okay, now is not the time to panic, let’s be logical here. I mean sure, it’s probably Feferi’s ancestor (incidentally you now believe ancestors to be a thing oh god are they a thing), but that doesn’t mean there’ll be any resemblance between her and Feferi, right? You flick your eyes towards your moirail and yeah they’ve got the same horns. She appears to have realised this too, deciding to slow her walking pace slightly and allow the rest of the squad to overtake her in an effort to mask her features. You return your gaze to the throne, closer to you now than it was before; you and your team stop about 0.003 units from it, and you all gaze up to the supreme overlord of the Alternian Empire. You hear muffled thumps and you turn around; the rest of your team is bowing down. You don’t follow; you continue to stand, attempting to distract her gaze from Feferi (this plan is asinine, why are you even doing this).

“So I’m a guess you’re shouty,” she calls out to you.  
“My name is Karkat, oh supreme overlord of all troll beings,” you begin, drawing her attention to you, “but you may choose to call me whatever you wish. Might I suggest names such as ‘bulgenose’ or ‘footrest’?”  
“Hmm,” she considers briefly; “nah, shouty sounds better.”  
This is going a lot better than you’d hoped. She hasn’t taken her eyes off you since she started talking. “How creative of you,” you lead her on. “I’m guessing you call this room ‘that one room I’m always in’ and your respiteblock ‘sleep place’.”  
Aradia makes a small, barely audible metallic noise that seems to convey irritation, but you ignore it. The Condescension pauses her idle movements, tilting her head to the left and looking you in the eyes. “How did you know that?” she asks.  
You don’t understand what’s going on. The wild accusations you make during your rants are always just that. You’ll have to improvise, as you’re pretty sure she’s expecting more out of you; she continues to stare. Come on horribly mutant think pan; be normal for a few god damn minutes. “Uh,” you stammer. Fantastic start; note to self: beat sense into your pan later. “Patterns,” you blurt out. “Your mission description boiled down to ‘kill them’, and your nickname for me is based off of what I come off as at face value.” You don’t know where these words are coming from, but it’s a relief nonetheless. “I’m guessing you’re sick of remembering long-winded names for things, so you just come up with your own based on the first thought in your head; that’s why this ship’s called the Battleship Condescension.”  
The empress’ gaze stays locked on you; she remainins silent and relatively expressionless. After a few seconds she smiles, baring her teeth at you. “Clever buoy,” she says. “I can see why you got accepted.”

Holy fuck, the empress just gave you a compliment. She hasn’t given you a lead out though, so you’re pretty sure she wants you to continue; that, and she’s staring at you intently. “On the subject of the ship,” you say, much more confidently this time, “this thing is like the size of a small god damn moon. Since the number of Helmsman needed to propel a ship is a function, approximately equal to M over P to the power of M,” you explain; “where P is the average psionic rating amongst a sample and M is the mass of the ship in billions of tonnes; almost all of this ship’s space would need to be taken up by helmsblocks; and yet you have a hanger bay taking up a quarter or more of the interior space,” you state in a questioning manner. “This presents two possibilities: either the tech on this ship is so advanced that we no longer need helmsman, or,” you say, awe creeping into your voice; “this ship contains more than one of the most powerful beings in the universe.”  
“Okay okay, stop,” she exclaims, finally breaking her focus and holding out her right hand, palm thrust outwards; “this is starting to feel like clairvoyance on your part.”  
This brings up an interesting point: “But I’m not even that good,” you explain. “If I can figure all that out, imagine what a trained enemy espionage agent could discover.”  
She lowers her head slightly and raises her eyebrows; “Yeah, but who’s gonna get past the fleet anyway?”  
“A shuttle?” you offer.  
“Well yeah, but the way I see it they’re not gonna get back out again.”  
You roll your eyes. “Whatever you say.”

It seems the rest of your party can’t escape the empress’ gaze forever; she looks up from you and examines your squad. “Hey rest of you people still bowing over there,” she points, “stop doing that, the carpet was just replaced and I don’t want your drool staining it.” They obey and rise to their feet, Feferi taking slightly longer in order to minimize her exposure. “Okay,” she clasps her hands together, “everyone ‘cept shouty can go to sec D-2-5 and dump ya stuff there. In three hours’ time, make your way to sec D-2-4 and follow the blue-white alternating line on the floor.”  
“Why can’t I go?” you ask externally; internally you’re asking yourself why you’re not putting up more of a fight against the empress’ juvenile nickname for you; it’s because she’s the empress, you tell yourself. It’s definitely that.  
“Oh c’mon nubs,” she says mock-sweetly, “I know you don’t actually wanna go.” Fuck, she has you pinned. “’Sides, I gotta give you the mission first.”  
That’s a perplexing statement; you know for a fact that the douche at ABOPSCOM gave you your missions previously. You inquire as to this fact; “Don’t you have subordinates to give out assignments?”  
“Well yeah,” she shrugs.  
“So why not them?”  
“Because I’m the empress and I do what I want!” she snaps at you, straightening her spine and increasing the height differential; however, she’s not forceful enough to make you recoil.  
“I’m just saying,” you explain, “it seems like a lot of work if you do this for every little squad under your command.”  
She relaxes back down into the throne and simply says “I don’t”.

Oh. Uh. Okay. You just sort of... stand there and try to process what she just said, and try to get your heart to stop beating so fast god damn it this is not the time to have a heart attack of some shit pull yourself together!  
The Condesce, meanwhile, has returned her gaze to your unit. “Well why are the rest of you still standing around? Clamscray!” she yells, causing you all to flinch. Your team bow quickly and file out, Feferi in the lead. You turn your head, put your hands behind your back and give her a thumbs-up, followed by the symbol for moiraillegiance. She signs the same back and rotates her head towards the halls of the ship.  
“So,” the Condescension says, causing you to snap your head back around; “your objective starts in four hours. The phase zone is a space station going round some planet they call New Venezia. Plant a bomb and leave. We’re gonna use one of their explosives that one of my other teams got their claws on, so they’ll end up wasting reshoreces against themselves, scanning for traitors.”  
Well that sounds easy enough; quick, too. You move to clarify: “Do you want us to get any data from the station?”  
“Nah,” she drawls out, “I got someone else to do that already at a different place.”  
Okay, that pretty much answers all your questions except one; what’s the proper way to dismiss yourself from the presence of the empress? “Uh,” you manage to say, drawing her attention.  
“What?” she asks.  
God damn it you can’t think of something else that you could’ve been thinking of on a moment’s notice like that! “I was just wondering,” you say slowly and submissively, “if you prefer ‘sir’, ‘ma’am’, or some completely different authoritative pronoun?”  
“Oh don’t bother with that,” she dismisses.  
“Um... okay. Yes, Your Imperious Condescension.”  
She sighs a little and deflates into her throne. “Okay I can sort of see where you’re coming from with that. I’ll think about it.”  
You decide to simply bow and turn around, making your way back down the tyrian carpet. On your way through the door you steal a glance backwards, and to your surprise she’s still looking at you. You panic, quickly shoving open the door and striding down the feeder corridor, trying to analyse what happened. She was still staring at you, but why? You bring up the memory in your mind, trying to follow her gaze and-

Oh. She was looking at your butt. The supreme overlord of the Alternian Empire just checked you out.

That’s what she was doing before; she wasn’t looking at you because you remained upright while the others bowed, but because she thought you were attractive! With a start, you realise you were doing the exact same thing; you weren’t just looking her in the eyes, like you thought you were, but instead your focus travelled across her form, simply taking her in. You wonder if you’d have seen her doing the same if you had kept your eyes on hers instead. No; you shake your head and try to clear your think pan, there’s no way that was what she’s doing, you’re just going insane; that’s a much more reasonable assumption to make than the empress was interested in a mutant like you, which sounds like something out of a shitty wiggler cartoon. But you can’t be rid of the thought, nor the image of the skin-tight wetsuit accentuating her shape. With a start, you realize; you have a flush-crush on the Condescension.

This revelation is pushed back by a more immediate concern you’ve just realised is an issue: you have no idea where you’re going.

God fucking damn it.

At least there’s one thing you know for sure: the empire may not know much about these aliens, but you feel safe in the knowledge that as long as you’re on this ship, you’ll be one of the first to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter post: click Next Chapter to continue.  
>  ~~As a side note I swear Gamzee's and BS's colours looked completely different in the Word document. I'll probably look into that later.~~ Edit: Fixed that. I put the wrong RGB values into the hex code converter.


	6. [CONTROL]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter post: if you haven't read the prior chapter, go back and read that first.

{Editor’s note: The following are extracts and translations of anomalous hex data embedded in Dallas servers following its discovery on Mercury. Some terms are untranslatable, and thus have been replaced with the best approximation our linguists can find (these will be denoted with square brackets). We must warn you, Doctor Lalonde, that 16% of people who have viewed this series of extracts have been judged to be no longer mentally fit for duty. The following, in addition to the subsequent extracts, is classified level 0. Release of these documents to unapproved sources is in breach of code 47-J and is punishable by death.}

**{EXTRACT ONE, DATED 2410-3-18}**

There are many different forms of power; military, economic, cultural, or simply being the biggest thing around; but they all lead to one thing. Without a means to control, no species capable of [sapience] would ever get past the first fire. They wouldn’t invent the wheel, they wouldn’t become the masters of their little ball of rock in a corner of the galaxy, and they wouldn’t reach out to the heavens and come tantalizingly close to becoming the masters of them, too. Of course, that sentence is implying that life did all of those things spontaneously, of its own accord, which is simply not true.

It was always [us].

\-----

** END OF ACT ONE **


	7. Vanity Fair

It seems like Dirk upheld his promise.

You step out of the Iroquois and your ears are immediately assaulted by the sounds of brass musicians playing in your ears. A red carpet stretches from the airlock to the decontamination area, flanked by approximately 50 trumpet players, all blaring out of tune. Above the doorway ahead of you a red banner drapes, with the words “Welcome to HIGHCOM” written in orange-coloured Comic Sans. Dave stares blankly ahead, expression hidden behind his shades; Rose holds her forehead in one of her hands, and Jade simply looks unimpressed. Dave takes the initiative, beginning the walk to the double-doors at the other end of the docking bay. Walks, you note, not floats. HIGHCOM is basically a giant centrifuge, spinning around on its axis to produce the illusion of approximately earth-standard gravity. Isaac Newton would be proud. Rose pokes you out of your thoughts and points to the others, who are already halfway across the carpet. You shake your head in an attempt to clear your mind and step forwards. Rose gives death-glares to the musicians, causing them to stop playing one by one as you pass by. Dave and Jade have already reached the decontamination facilities, pushing through the doors and leaving your sight. You pick up the pace, elongating your strides and roughly doubling your speed. By the time you and Rose are through the doors the others have already been screened and are waiting for you on the other side of a glass window. You and Rose head into separate booths, for privacy’s sake. You strip off your uniform, hanging it on the provided rack, and spread your arms at 90-degree angles to your torso. A gas is released into the cubicle, and a screen in front of you lights up, displaying the word “inhale” in all-caps. You do so, breathing in the gas. The text changes to “wait” and then “exhale”; a vacuum-like chamber sucks up the gas and the text changes to “scanning”. It flashes, makes a small noise and reads “redress and exit”. You do so, meeting the rest of your team through the glass barrier in the waiting area. You never really understood why you have to undress for decontamination; it doesn’t even decontaminate you, it’s just a scanner. Dave thinks that it takes your photos and sells them to various adult websites, giving the military that tiny bit of extra profit.

You try not to think too much about the things Dave says.

Rose exits behind you, and you prompt the others up and onwards, through the final set of double doors and into HIGHCOM proper. For all the fanfare at the door it’s really not that impressive: it’s built more on necessity and hull strength than ascetics. Metal corridors snake through the superstructure, which itself is basically a giant block of iron. Dave, having grown up on this station, leads the way to the command bastion. The corridors all look the same to you, and when you asked Dave about how he knows where he is, he just shrugged and gave half-answers like “the little chips on the walls,” and “the iron gets more corroded the further to the centre you get.” Of course, there is no centre, not really; it’s just empty space, speckled with a few docked ships, and what basically amounts to a giant axel sitting in the middle of it all. You pass several rooms along the way, including a medical bay, an R&D lab, a barracks, numerous offices, mess halls, civilian bunkhouses, a firing range, a broken holographic map room (which has never, not once, worked in all the times you’ve passed it), a kitchen and no less than 13 Starbucks. Talk about oversaturation. Dave eventually leads you down the final corridor and up to a sliding doorway. It parts automatically, leading you into the heart of U.N.S.S. operations. A single corridor, big enough for three people to just barely squeeze past each other, runs straight on, with various rooms branching off from it. In one room you observe hundreds of dispatchers, directing traffic around both the station and the solar system. In another, you see generals and admirals sitting around a conference table, presumably discussing the aliens and how best to respond to them. You reach the end of a corridor, finding a doorway flanked by two armed soldiers. You repeat the priority access code sequence, which today is “Four-hundred house cats run across the open plains” (nobody asks why); the troops step aside and allow you access.

The CIC of HIGHCOM is, without any doubt whatsoever, the most advanced room humanity possesses. The room is tiered in three steps: computers line the top layer, technicians and admirals working away, giving out orders to fleets light-years away. The second rung down is also filled with computers, except for the far side, where a small wooden podium stands on a minute balcony. The centre is a massive touch-screen, 10 meters by 20, currently displaying a map of the Procyon system, with Novus centred. Little icons representing fleets and space stations move ever-so-slightly along their orbits; the fleet marked as ZETA-4 flashes and disappears from the display, jumping off towards the Tau Ceti system. Admiral Dirk Strider stands upon the podium, looking up towards you as you descend the stairs.  
“So, what did you think of the new trumpets?” he asks you.  
“I didn’t think you were being serious with that,” Dave replies, “the old trumpets were fine and also completely redundant. Speakers are a thing you know.”  
“You know perfectly god damn well that we had to buy those trumpets because you broke the speakers two visits ago when you tried to turn them off by shooting at them.”  
“Is that what happened? What were you thinking!” Jade yells out. “Shooting a weapon inside a space station where people don’t have easy access to vacuum suits? Someone could have died!”  
“Jade, sshhh!” you whisper. Some of the admirals have turned in their chairs and are staring at you all with questioning eyes.  
She isn’t having any of this, however. “Don’t shoosh me John! Imagine the chaos that could’ve been ignited if HIGHCOM got compromised like that! I am going to scold you, Dave, and I don’t care if I do it in front of the entire admiralty!”  
“While I agree that shooting at those speakers was a completely moronic and uncool thing to do,” Dirk interrupts, “could I maybe have the mission debriefing now? You’re not in this room so you can distract our officers with feuds.”  
“Yeah, but,” Jade begins, but cuts herself off when you lower your eyes and stare at her assertively. She grumbles and whispers “we’ll discuss this later,” eyes piercing into Dave and you see him visibly flinch. You really don’t want to know what she’s done before to elicit _that_ reaction out of him.

“Now,” Dirk says, “what exactly did you find?”

\-----

[LOG: [TEAM 6N]]  
[TIMESTAMP ABSOLUTE: 2413-6-11, 11:23 TERRESTRIAL]  
[TIMESTAMP RELATIVE: T + 2:03 TERRESTRIAL]

STRIDER, D (JR.): hey you alright youve been in the med bay for hours now  
EGBERT, J: turns out i tore a muscle when i slammed into the ceiling back on that ship.  
EGBERT, J: rose is treating me right now.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): whats she doing  
EGBERT, J: hell if i know dude! all i can gather is that it hurts like fuck when she takes the pressure off it.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): you want anything to eat or whatever  
STRIDER, D (JR.): you cant survive just on pot noodles you know  
EGBERT, J: later, i don’t think that rose would appreciate it if anyone spilled anything into the wound.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): torn muscles dont make surface wounds john  
STRIDER, D (JR.): what you havent looked over there yet  
EGBERT, J: to be honest i don’t really want to.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): fair enough  
STRIDER, D (JR.): you know i dont really know why the food is so good on this ship i mean its just us four  
STRIDER, D (JR.): why didnt they save their money and buoy [?]  a new scuttle [?] or sum ting [?]  
EGBERT, J: you’re eating aren’t you.  
EGBERT, J: *DRAMATIC EYE ROLL*  
HARLEY, J: uh guys?  
STRIDER, D (JR.): warm [?] e  [UNTRANSCRIBABLE]  
EGBERT, J: dave finish chewing first the autotranscriber can’t understand you.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): what is it  
HARLEY, J: you know the data we collected off the ship?  
EGBERT, J: well why else were we there to begin with?  
HARLEY, J: so i’ve been running through it trying to pick stuff out for the debrief  
HARLEY, J: and there’s a few, um, disturbing, things inside.  
EGBERT, J: more disturbing than the cadaver in the hold?  
HARLEY, J: very.  
HARLEY, J: you know the temporary designation the aliens were given so people didn’t have to keep referring to them as “the aliens”?  
EGBERT, J: no, actually.  
EGBERT, J: OW OW OW! rose be more careful!  
STRIDER, D (JR.): troll right  
HARLEY, J: exactly! all our comms are calling them trolls.  
HARLEY, J: but here’s the spooky bit  
HARLEY, J: they call themselves trolls too!  
STRIDER, D (JR.): um  
STRIDER, D (JR.): what  
STRIDER, D (JR.): the absolute fuck  
STRIDER, D (JR.): is going on  
HARLEY, J: i know right! and it gets weirder.  
HARLEY, J: i went searching through their galactic map for the zero-point  
STRIDER, D (JR.): right because we use sol as a zero  
HARLEY, J: i thought i might be able to locate their home system or something but the map’s zero-point moves!  
HARLEY, J: and the weirdest thing is that it’s updating live. as in to us. on this ship.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Is that even possible?  
HARLEY, J: no fucking idea. all i know is that the co-ordinands of all the objects we managed to salvage before the pull keep changing in real time as i look at them!  
STRIDER, D (JR.): wait hold on i have a question  
HARLEY, J: well i probably won’t be able to answer, you know.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): no not for you  
STRIDER, D (JR.): i thought rose was medicing john  
LALONDE, R (JR.): I finished.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Well not finished per se, but I’ve done all I can. The rest is up to John’s body.  
EGBERT, J: yes yes she finished. go on jade!  
HARLEY, J: that’s everything of interest i could recover from the drive. the rest is corrupted.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): So what is the point of having a map where your co-ordinands on it change so dramatically, as in light-year distances?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Wouldn’t that just be confusing for navigators?  
HARLEY, J: rose they’re aliens! they probably think differently to us!  
EGBERT, J: the them speaking english thing and both of us being confused by that says otherwise.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): So I’m guessing our first task on General Operations is going to be tracking down this zero-point?  
EGBERT, J: that does seem to be the most obvious thing to do.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): so what are the chances that the name thing is a coincidence  
LALONDE, R (JR.): As so close to zero that it makes no odds.  
EGBERT, J: i think i’m going to question whoever thought up that temp name.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Can I come?  
EGBERT, J: pfffft. rose drop the veil, we all know that you just want a chance to psychoanalyse someone new.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): You know me too well.  
EGBERT, J: but yeah you can come.  
EGBERT, J: we’ll tell dirk about the findings and then split. jade and dave on mission debrief, me and rose on the hunt.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): That’s not how debriefing’s work, John. You can’t walk out in the middle of one.  
EGBERT, J: no, but we can sneak out!  
LALONDE, R (JR.): *Sigh*.

\-----

“She’s right, that’s not how it works John,” Dirk says, slightly muffled behind a wall: you have already left. Score one for Egbert and Lalonde. “Oh for fucks sake!” he exclaims, apparently having noticed your absence. You hear no more, having exited Operations Command in search of a CCTV station.

\-----

[LOG: [ [EGBERT, J] \+  [LALONDE, R (JR.)] ]]  
[TIMESTAMP ABSOLUTE: 2413-6-11, 12:31 TERRESTRIAL]  
[TIMESTAMP RELATIVE: T + 0:33 TERRESTRIAL]

LALONDE, R (JR.): So even if we do manage to sneak out, which I still think is a terrible idea by the way, how the hell are we supposed to find this guy? HIGHCOM is a pretty big place, you know.  
EGBERT, J: a pretty big place with the most comprehensive cctv coverage of any station. did you hear that they even have cameras in bathroom stalls?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Note to self: relieve myself before boarding the station.  
EGBERT, J: so we just have to run a search for this guy on one of the terminals and we’ll go straight to her!  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Why is that even a thing?  
EGBERT, J: dave tells me it’s for efficiency with eyes-only data and stuff, so people don’t have to manually scour the entire station for one person.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): And nobody thought that maybe, just maybe, the system might have been used by assassins to disrupt the power balance?  
EGBERT, J: well it _was_ jake that designed and signed off on the system.  
EGBERT, J: besides have you seen all the armed guards? what assassin would risk that?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): A revolutionary.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Except we aren’t a military dictatorship, are we? That wouldn’t make any sense.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Okay, objection withdrawn.  
EGBERT, J: so who is it that we need to find again?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Someone called Vera Mehtriquetun.  
EGBERT, J: what kind of a surname is that.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Presumably it stemmed from the mind of a fed-up man eons ago who got sick of thinking up names for things.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Or it could just be Italian. Who really cares anyway?

\-----

And so you did search for Vera, and the computer did give you a location, and you did reach it, and it was not good. It was tiring. This station is huge! Why it’s not equipped with some kind of public transit system, you just don’t know. Perhaps Dirk enjoys watching sweaty, tired-out people scurry about. Actually, that’s probably it. You’ve seen the way he looks at the soldiers. It disturbs them.

Rose knocks on her door repeatedly, also fed up from the journey.  
“What?” an irritated voice replies.  
“Is this the office of Vera Mehtriquetun?” Rose asks.  
“Yeah that’s me, wha’ do you want?”  
“We understand that you are the person who thought of the designation ‘troll’ to describe the alien species. We’re here to ask you a few questions.”  
The door slides open a crack and a green eye peers through the opening. “What kind of questions?”  
“Questions that may end up pertaining to your continued safety.”  
The eye narrows a bit, and then opens the door. “Alright, you can come in.”  
The office isn’t anything to write home about: it’s basically an extra-large cubicle with a ceiling. Rose steps inside and you enter behind her.  
“I thought there was just one’ a you,” Vera says.  
“The plural ‘we’ in various prior sentences implied otherwise.”  
“So are you gonna ask your questions or should I go grab a coffee?”  
“Why did you decide to name them trolls?” you say.  
“What’s it to you?”  
“A lot, actually.”  
“It’s just a dumb name. I chose it because I read the first contact appearance description after I read Three Billy Goats Gruff to my brother’s kid.”  
“With all due respect,” Rose says, “we know that’s a lie.”  
“Yeah? Exactly what sort of evidence do you have?”  
“Well apart from the fact that you just asked for our evidence, thereby implying that you’re feeling nervous?” Rose asks. She holds up her hand towards you, gaze unchanging, and you high-five her. “How about the fact that a data mining operation we just ran revealed that they call themselves trolls?”  
Vera’s pupils dilate slightly; Rose keeps her eyes centred on her. Vera breaks eye contact and she mumbles “you should sit down,” before getting up and closing the door. This request may be hard, as there is only actually one seat in here. You decide to just fuck it and sit on the desk; Rose continues to stand.

“A wise man once said that the smartest people have the humility to admit when they don’t know something, and the courage and drive to find out,” she says. “There are certain things that we cannot know, not because they are veiled in black ink, but because none have the courage to pursue them. I know I didn’t.”  
“Pursue what?” Rose asks her.  
“I don’t know. All I know is that they are the light, pushing against the darkness of the void of space.”  
“So...,” you add helpfully, “you’re talking about photons, right?”  
She turns towards you and simply says “no.”

\-----

Restocked, refuelled and emptied of the dead alien, the Iroquois floats through space, circling the Earth. Jade is modifying the ship’s central code, trying to get the U.N.S.S. standard map to interface with the copy of the recovered star-chart from the disintegrated troll ship. Dave is back at the firing range, playing around with possible replacements for the Melt Ray. You’ve told him to keep bringing it on missions, though; its penetration abilities may yet prove useful. Rose is getting some sleep, worn out from almost six hours of helming the ship; you’ll need her at her peak for the next phase of your operations. You’re on debris watch, sitting in your command seat on the bridge and constantly scanning the surrounding space, making sure that nothing’s going to puncture the hull. Early space explorers from Earth didn’t really know any better, so you can’t really blame them, but after the crisis induced by Kessler Syndrome in the 2300’s, strict regulations were implemented to mitigate the risk of it happening elsewhere. Since then, no colony has experienced the same effect Earth did all those years ago, but nobody’s going to let their guard down again. Magna-Scopulus crests the horizon of the planet, a small grey speck at around two times the distance of the moon. Lunar capture isn’t that big of a deal these days - the extrasolar colonies do it all the time to mine asteroids more efficiently - but whenever you see Scopulus your heart fills with just that little bit of pride in humanity; we can literally move mountains.

You return your focus to the scanner’s UI. You’ll rotate out with Dave soon - a tired officer on debris watch is almost as bad as having none at all – but for now, you’ll content yourself with the illusion of tranquility.


	8. A Million Miles Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! It's a new chapter! Much later than I intended but writers block + term break + practice exams + mild existential crisis doesn't lead to much progress. Either way, have this.

Oh man oh fuck oh god what are you going to do the Condescension likes you, the tiny little mutant-blood and you’ll be culled once she finds out and you’ll leave Feferi all alone and everything is terrible and oh shit you’re going to die but these feelings won’t go away-

You whack your head against the wall of your respiteblock, trying to clear your thoughts. Focus, you think to yourself, you’ll be dead sooner if you don’t pay attention.  
Speaking of paying attention, you find that your little outburst has left a light splatter of your blood on the wall. You quickly scrub it off with the sleeve of your shirt, taking it off and throwing it into the waste disposal chute to be incinerated. You are **not** taking any chances. You need to calm down. You need to stay alert for the upcoming mission; you think it’s time to visit your moirail. Doing a quick check to see if any blood was left either on you or the walls – you catch some in your hair: you get your scissors and cut it out, incinerating the locks, too – and then exit. Feferi’s room is directly adjacent to yours, on the left. You open the door.

Your first reaction is one of horror.  
Feferi is lying in her recuperacoon, trying to file down her horns.

“Woah woah, what the fuck are you doing?” you yell. She flinches at your voice – she must not have noticed you entering – and then just stares questioningly.  
“Attempting to hide the relation,” she responds.  
“What.”  
“Look, I know it seems a bit rash, but-“  
“Just a bit‽” you cut her off.  
“Let me finish!” she screams. “I know it seems a bit rash, but we did more desperate things in Gamzee’s hive, didn’t we?” That’s true enough, you think. Amputation is no laughing matter. “If desperate times call for desperate measures, then I’m prepared to take them.”  
“Good thought,” you admit, “might not work. It’s entirely possible she’s already seen your horns.”  
“If she had,” she responds sarcastically, “then I’d already be culled, wouldn’t I?”  
“I... guess,” you say, unconvinced.  
“Now, I know you just want to help me, but you’re not always going to be around in times like these. You could be on a mission, or checking up on the rest of the squad or... well. I need to learn to manage the pain and do what needs to be done on my own.”  
You want to be around, though. You want to always be there for her. With all the technology trollkind has made, you’d think that increasing the warm-blooded population’s lifespans would be one of them, but nooo. Stupid fucking society. And the leader of that society is the one you’re flushed for? You hate yourself. “So... do you want me to leave you to it?”  
“Yeah. I can handle myself. At least, I hope I can.”  
You leave, burying the initial reasons for entering deep in the back recesses of your mind. Feferi’s got her own shit to deal with right now; you’ll have a feelings jam after the mission. You shut the door of your little personal area of the Battleship Condescension and lie down on the floor.

You try not to react to the whimpers emanating from next door.

\-----

Time to load up and head out. The squad heads to one of the armouries and chooses their weapons. You choose an Electromagnetic Projectile Accelerator - 20c: not much ammunition, but these things hit hard and fast. You also pick up a Sonic Grenade: taking a chemical-reactant grenade would be a monumentally bad idea when you’re assaulting a space station. The others take their preferred weapons and armour, too; Vriska takes some hand-held Phase Scout Probes and Terezi takes the bomb you’ll be using. When you’re all kitted up, you head for the pod bay. It looks pretty much the same as an orbital insertion bay on a frigate, except these pods aren’t fired out towards a planet. You and your squad climb inside and a technician presses a button labelled “execute”. The outside world turns blue-white and suddenly you’re hurtling through phase space in a capsule that’s barely bigger than Equius.  A timer pops up on your HUD, indicating the time to transition; right now it reads two minutes. You have no idea why these pods are phasing faster than empire-aligned ships, but you’re not going to complain; you weren’t exactly looking forward to a five-plus hour journey in this confined of a space.

Two minutes later, the timer flashes off, replaced by the words “brace for transition”. There’s not much room to brace, but you try anyway - the transparent space outside fades out of your reference frame, replaced by the interior of what appears to be a barracks.

God fucking damn it: so much for saving that grenade until later. You toss it out of the pod – someone calls out “Grenade!” – and wait. A high-pitched whine reaches your ears and shakes you in your think-pan, but otherwise doesn’t harm you. These grenades are precisely calibrated to be non-lethal as soon as the waves reverberate off of a surface, keeping friendly fire to a minimum. You count to three and poke your head out; the soldiers are unconscious on the floor. You do a full turn, looking for any other pods, but find none – they must have phased out elsewhere. You send out a ping, seeing if the others are nearby.

[PING SENT]  
[WAIT...]  
[RETURN PINGS = 11]

Well at least they’re not floating off into deep space.

KARKAT: ALL PERSONNEL, SITUATION REPORT.  
TAVROS: i’M WITH aRADIA AND nEPETA,, i DON’T SEE ANY CONTACTS,  
TEREZI: 1 C4NT S33 4NYTH1NG  
VRISKA: Can it, Pyrope. She’s with me, in a maintenance access-way. I’m launching the Scout Probes now.  
SOLLUX: iiv’e got ed and gz here.  
ERIDAN: got no clue wwhere wwe are right noww  
ERIDAN: looks like some kinda access tunnel, but i dunno  
FEFERI: I’m by myself in what looks like a warehouse.  
VRISKA: Upd8: Probes deployed.  
KANAYA: I Am With Equius In The Middle Of A Communal Area  
KANAYA: Which Is Filled With Aliens That Want To Kill Us  
KANAYA: And They Have Weaponry  
KANAYA: In Case Youre Wondering Yes This Is A Hint  
TEREZI: W3R3 ON TH3 W4Y!  
KARKAT: EVERYONE RENDEZVOUS AT KANAYA AND EQUIUS.  
VRISKA: Yeah, we’ll totally get right on that. It’s not like we don’t know where you are or anything!  
EQUIUS: D --> Follow the sounds of gunfire

You listen in, but you don’t hear anything.

KARKAT: I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING.  
KANAYA: Well Keep Moving Until You Do  
KARKAT: *SIGH*  
KARKAT: GREAT FUCKING ADVICE KANAYA, IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW BIG THIS STATION IS OR ANYTHING! IT COULD BE 20 UNITS LONG FOR ALL WE KNOW.  
KANAYA: I Cant Help You With That Just Try And Get Here

Highly-trained infiltration unit your ass. Briefly throwing your arms up in exasperation, you push open the only door in the room and scan the corridor for hostiles. An alarm starts blaring, invasive red lights descending from the floor. Actually, it’s probably the ceiling that you’re walking on, you have no idea. Either way, it doesn’t matter. You push open a door and emerge behind an 8-man squad pinning down Kanaya – you can tell it’s her because her horns are sticking out from the pillar she’s hiding behind.

Time and space become blurs, your mind acting on instinct and perigees of focused training. You find it hard to concentrate on anything consciously besides that which you can immediately feel. The recoil of the EPA-20c against your shoulder, the motions of your arms as you reload, and the solid mass of the cover you’re behind. You hear familiar voices, but you can’t turn their words into anything coherent. Battle haze is what your instructor called it, but you have a suspicion it’s something more than the name lets on, and that idea is terrifying to you.

Breathe in, breathe out. Raise the rifle, feel the kick, duck back behind cover, reload. At one point you think you feel your teeth sink in to something soft, but you can’t be sure.

The familiar combat stimuli die down and you come to. You find yourself next to a doorway with a death-grip on your rifle. You look to Kanaya and you can see the bloodlust fade from her eyes. Equius emerges from a kitchenblock sporting a series of projectile wounds in his leg – he must have charged at them. You scan the battlefield for any enemies you may have missed and –

Um...

You don’t –

You look down at yourself and start to have a panic attack: you’re covered in bright red blood. You roll away from the door and frantically scrub at your combat armour you need to get it off **_GET IT OFF_** -

Something snatches your hands away and embraces you, and you know immediately who it is. She rubs her hand against your face, cupping your chin in her palm. Your muscles release tension you didn’t even realise they were holding and, for a few short seconds, you allow yourself to sob.  
“Come on,” Feferi says, “we need to finish the mission.”  
“R-right,” you stutter, wiping the obscenely-coloured tears from your face. "Right.” You're weary of her now, stealing glances every now and then. You can't take any chances - your blood colour was supposed to die with you. Expunging those thoughts from your mind - okay that's a lie, you're coming up with several contingencies in the case that she presses or reveals the issue - you check your rifle and start to head back to the battle-zone. You try and ignore the blood pooling around the room, marching straight towards Kanaya.  
“Where’s Equius?” you ask her, undertones of fear creeping into your voice every now and then. She looks concerned for you, but her expression quickly changes to un-amused - she raises her right arm to point behind a pillar that’s only a few steps away. You shake your head, trying to get your pan to focus. It’s no good having tunnel vision at a time like this.

TEREZI: 4RM1NG TH3 BOMB

You hear Terezi’s voice emanate weakly from the next room simultaneously to the text popping up on your HUD.

KARKAT: EVERYONE FORM UP ON THE BOMB.  
ARADIA: y0u d0 realize that y0u and the pe0ple y0u are with are the 0nly 0nes n0t already present  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY NO, I DIDN'T, BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

You wave your hand, a signal for the others to follow, and head through the door

KARKAT: FRIENDLIES COMING IN, HOLD FIRE.

You enter the room and see the rest of your squad; the lingering concerns you have for your future safety vanish as you find Terezi’s taken a few hits, the most notable being a large, bleeding wound in her left shoulder. Tavros is tending to her with the help of Aradia; she’s holding the patient’s arm up while he attempts to stop the flow of blood. You walk up to her and ask if she’s feeling alright.  
“I’ll live,” she murmurs, much quieter than her usual, upbeat voice.  
“Stop talking,” Tavros says, “it’s pushing more blood out.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Karkat, she’ll need a one-handed weapon.”  
“Anybody here carrying a pistol?” you yell. Sollux, without any warning, tosses one at you - it hits the lower part of your arm. Conflicted between thanking him and flipping him off, you decide to do neither, handing the weapon butt-first to Terezi’s waiting hand. She tucks it into a pocket of her armour and goes back to her work on the explosive.  
“Should she be doing that while you’re tending to her?” you ask Aradia.  
“No,” she responds, “but she won’t listen.”  
“That’s TZ for you,” Sollux says: “getting the job done even when she’s about to bleed out.”  
“She isn’t going to bl-“ Tavros gets cut off as the station’s superstructure shudders beneath you.  
“Report!” you yell.  
“Getting telemetry now,” Vriska replies. “Probe four has a visual on an unknown fleet approximately 100 units off-structure, with smaller vessels incoming.”  
“I need more time!” Terezi says.  
“Aradia, Tavros, stay with her,” you order. “The rest of you, get ready to hold this room!”  
“Hell yeah! Locked, loaded and ready to pop some motherfuckers!” Gamzee says.

There are three doors leading into your position, so you motion for three people on each one. You end up covering a short corridor with Vriska and Eridan - and by short do you mean short, it turns off to the right almost immediately.  
“I’ve got two ‘nades,” Eridan informs you, “jus’ in case they swarm us.” Vriska’s got a Lacerator 4c (which is basically a scattershot that fires sharp knives), for those situations where they get a bit too close for comfort. More quakes shake the plating beneath you, and you look to Vriska.  
“Those shuttles are blowing holes through the outer plating,” she explains. “Their contents’ll be on us any minute now.” Far from being concerned, she’s grinning almost as wide as Terezi usually does: but on her, it’s something more primal, more animalistic. You’re beginning to wonder is she’s in a permanent state of battle haze. Expelling the thought, you check your ammo and sight down the passage.

“ETC 15,” Terezi calls out, coughing from the exertion afterwards.

Right; fifteen minutes you’ll need to defend her. You can do this. You feel like this calls for some kind of inspirational speech, but you can’t think of anything to say. Something slowly rounds the corner and you pop its head open. You can feel your mind clouding up by the second, and you pray that your subconscious knows what it’s doing.

The last thing you see before the world fades to grey is the body of that soldier, sans-head, bleeding that horrid-coloured liquid out of its neck.

\-----

The universe snaps back into focus and for a few seconds you’re confused as to your location, but you quickly realize that’s because you’re outside of the realm of stars, planets and life. Phase space moves past your tiny pod, its strange luminous blue clouds providing a reference frame for your motion. Your weapon is absent, so you venture to guess you ran out of rounds – a suspicion that you confirm when you try and feel for a clip.

The clouds dissolve and you recognize the pod bay you originally departed from. A technician behind a control panel pushes a few buttons and your capsule opens. You exit and look to the others for any injuries. Terezi’s still missing a bit of her shoulder, but you expected that. Nepeta’s taken a round to her lower thigh (Equius is trying to help her walk, but she seems perversely excited to have an excuse to walk on all fours). They all seem like they’re treatable, at least.  
“Nepeta, Terezi, med bay now,” you order. They file out along with Tavros, who’s helping Terezi walk; “the rest of you, upload telemetry and get to your respiteblocks. Follow standard debriefing procedures.”  
Of course, ‘standard debriefing procedures’ usually involves sitting in your cabins hoping you won’t be culled (which is, after all, pretty much your whole lives) and thus these procedures are technically always in progress, but it never hurts to give direction. If there’s one thing you’ve learnt about your species it’s that when left with no instruction they become dangerous, both to others and to themselves.

You head to your quarters with Feferi alongside you. Now that you're back your paranoia begins to return, but you don't act on it - you've already resigned yourself to your fate. You enter your respiteblock: instead of heading to her own, Feferi follows you in. Emotionally and physically exhausted, you lose the will to bother with standing up, so you let your body fall to the floor - you impact face-first.  
“That was your blood, wasn’t it,” Feferi states.  
“No," you mumble into the metal. "I mean it was their blood but-”  
“Stop dodging the question, Karkat.”  
You whimper. “It was their blood, b-but it was the s-same as... mine.”  
You don’t bother facing her. You can’t summon the energy nor the willpower to roll over. “Well, what are you fucking waiting for?” you say weakly. “Just get it over with.”  
You’d always thought you’d put up more of a fight but here you are, lying on the floor of the Battleship Condescension – and oddly, right now is the most at peace you've ever felt. You know it’s going to happen, and that there's nothing you'll be able to do to halt it.  
Feferi puts a hand on your shoulder and rolls you over to face her. She’s looking at you not with the expected disgust, but in the same way she’s always looked at you. Your feelings of resignation turn to confusion - by all accounts she should be emptying her stomach at the sight of you.

“I’m not going to cull you.”

You cringe. “Why not? I’ve admitted it. By imperial law I am a-...a mutant, and by imperial law you are obliged to... to wipe me from the universe.”  
“If imperial law wants me to expunge you from reality than it can go crash into the sun.”  
“I know it’s going to happen Feferi! It’s just a question o-of time, especially now that we’re **here** _and_ on live fire missions.”  
“Karkat, Her Imperious Condescension herself could hold her 2x3dent to my throat and I still wouldn’t do it.”  
Something snaps in your think pan, a final strand holding back a deluge. The dam walls in your eyes crumble down and before you know what’s happening you’re crying more than you ever have in your short, miserable life. You curl up into a ball and will the world away, but the world pulls you back: Feferi’s opening your cocoon and embracing you. Now it’s your turn to cry into the other’s shoulder. She’s rubbing circles around your back, attempting to comfort you.  
“Moirails are forever,” she says reassuringly, “and moirails don’t leave each other behind.”

You feel drained, empty of fluids; the tears stop, but the feelings you’re experiencing don’t. Okay that’s a lie, they’re slowly retreating back into you, but that doesn't mean they’re not there. You block out the universe and focus on Feferi: you start to hug her back, clinging to her like you would to a life preserver in the open ocean - her warm embrace feels like a rescue craft pulling you in towards safety. Granted, you and the craft’s crew still have to get past the gamblignants patrolling the waters, but for now you content yourself with the illusion of tranquility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't guessed already, battle haze is basically my cop-out for not having to come up with a new way to write combat, thinly veiled under the cloak of xenobiology and social conditioning.
> 
> Also Karkat doesn't pick up on Feferi's contradiction of her own prior statement because he's too distracted by all his feelings.


	9. Integration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a galaxy map. It has complete planetary systems for all stars mentioned in canon. If you care, you can read more about it here: http://hs-ramblings.tumblr.com/post/66460115718/artificial-selection-galaxy-map-v1-1

Alone.  
Drifting.  
Light-years from the nearest planet.

You’re trapped in your environmental suit in the void between stars. Everything is a point of light, looking so close that you could reach out and touch it, but of course you don’t. You know it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. The wreck of the Iroquois is to your rear: the ship was torn into three pieces when it was hit by an asteroid – exactly the sort of thing you were supposed to be looking out for. Jade rolls past you, lacking a spacesuit, hands forever outreached to a console that no longer exists. You try to look away, but you can’t – instead you let out a soundless cry of sorrow as tears stick to your face in every direction.  
“This is 1st Lieutenant John E-Egbert of the U.N.S.S. I-Iroquius broadcasting on all frequencies, does anyone copy?”  
“John,” a distant voice says; “John this isn’t the time.”  
The world shakes around you and a section of what used to be the bridge slams into your side.

You reflexively dart your head upwards and slam it against the command seat. The momentum sends it bending backwards before it snaps back into place, whacking you in seeming retaliation. You’re on the bridge with Dave, who’s standing back from you a bit, clearly startled by your display.  
“Easy there Egbert,” he says as he regains his composure and crosses his arms, “no use breaking any of the expensive equipment.”  
“What-”  
“Just came up to swap out the post and found you passed out and drooling all over the console. I’d just like you to realise how much I appreciate that; really, I do. It’s always been my dream to smear your saliva all over my body, and now I have the chance.” You look back to the control panel and find that a globule of your drool is gathering around it, slowly making its way towards the ceiling. “But seriously, if you’re feeling tired you need to tell somebody so they can swap out with you,” he says sternly.  
“Urgh!” you yell, unbuckling yourself and floating off towards the door. “I’m such a terrible example, just ignore me.”  
“Can do.”

EGBERT, J: alright who’s up?  
HARLEY, J: me, but not for long.  
HARLEY, J: gonna head off to sleep right now.  
EGBERT, J: oh, well goodnight then!  
HARLEY, J: night john!  
[ [HARLEY, J] OFFLINE]  
LALONDE, R (JR.): I’m barely awake and I feel like death.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): I am not a morning person.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): no day/night cycle in space  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Be quiet, you.  
EGBERT, J: default sleep cycles, dave. we did this in basic.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): so what who cares what your cycle is  
STRIDER, D (JR.): dont let biology tell you what to do and what not to do  
STRIDER, D (JR.): fuck the man rose  
STRIDER, D (JR.): kung fu kick the man right in his balls  
STRIDER, D (JR.): headbutt the man in his fragile skull and watch as his brains scatter against the walls  
STRIDER, D (JR.): pick up one of the bits of brain  
STRIDER, D (JR.): eat the brain to absorb the mans power  
STRIDER, D (JR.): become the alpha  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Well, that will probably go down in our annals as one of the most unnecessarily extended metaphors you’ve ever spewed out.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): hey you gotta go with where the words are flowing  
STRIDER, D (JR.): interrupting that shit is like a sin  
LALONDE, R (JR.): *Sigh*. I suppose I should do something productive.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): I mean, since my bed sheets are missing, there’s really not much else to do.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): arent they supposed to be secured down  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Yes. Yes they should be.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): what  
LALONDE, R (JR.): You know what.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): rose are you insinuating that i stole your sheets  
STRIDER, D (JR.): i am offended by these baseless accusations  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Alright then; but should a series of live crabs somehow make their way into your food, I’d just like to assure you that it is a complete coincidence and is in no way a hint.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): love you too  
EGBERT, J: rose, meet in the mess in 50.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Copied.

Turns out she shows up a lot quicker than that: 20 minutes later she’s in there with you, drinking coffee out of a juice box and reading something on her datapad while you try to convince the microwave’s hatch to open through the employment of physical violence.  
“Try pushing on the door and then pulling it,” Rose suggests groggily. You do so, and for some reason it works. You take out your slightly-shrivelled salami and push off.  
“What’s the deal with this thing’s door anyway?” you inquire, floating over to sit next to her. “Sometimes it opens just fine and other times I feel like it’s deliberately trying to get under my skin.”  
“John,” she says while rolling her eyes, “microwaves have been doing that for centuries.”  
“Microwaves? As in plural? Oh my god, how long has this been going on? Do they have an army waiting for an order to strike? Why haven’t you told me until now?”

EGBERT, J: dave, prep a message to highcom, standby for contents.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): standing by

Rose puts a hand on your shoulder; you turn your head towards her and she’s smiling wide, trying to hold in laughter.  
“Oh,” you say, and blush a bit, mentally whacking yourself for being so stupid. Microwaves – as in the electromagnetic radiation - not microwaves as in the appliance!

EGBERT, J: nevermind, belay that.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): anything else unnecessary you want me to do  
STRIDER, D (JR.): maybe do a twirl in a frilly dress  
EGBERT, J: oh my god shut up, okay! today just isn’t my day.

Well, it seems like you’re not the only one having trouble remembering their basic training today.  
“Did you honestly think,” Rose stutters out between giggles, “that the microwaves were going to rise up against us?”  
“Maybe,” you deadpan in your best Dave impression.  
She can’t hold it in anymore and she laughs, looking away from you, and you love that laugh – you hardly ever hear it, but when you do it’s music to your ears. You still remember the first time you got her to open up: that moment when you first heard her crack up like this is entrenched in your memories forever, slotting in at the third best moment in your life. You just listen, taking small bites off of the salami and feel lucky that she’s in your life.  
After a short time she calms down, shaking her head and taking a large sip of coffee. She’s flicked over to a new document on her datapad.  
“Mind if I read that over your shoulder?” you ask?  
“Just don’t get your hair in my face,” she replies.  
You lean over, taking a larger bite of food and chew as you start reading.

_** SECURITY STATUS **_

[START OF FILE]

_**OVERVIEW**_

The reach of humanity has grown exponentially larger in recent years – faster than authorities can hope to keep up with. Extra-planetary law enforcement ships, as well as military patrol vessels, are prized resources and must be assigned base systems with care. Thus, in 2387, U.N.S.S. High Command issued the Declaration on System Security. The document states that a law enforcement vessel’s designated protectorate, as well as the military’s area of patrol is to be assigned based on, in priority order:

1: Major U.N.S.S. base in-system.  
2: Permanent population.  
3: Proximity to systems with higher security.  
4: Scientific interest.  
5: System traffic.  
6: Minor U.N.S.S. base in-system.  
7: Interstellar trade.

Every known star system is assigned a security status based on these variables, to be reviewed every 5 years. Normal security ranges from 1.0 (highest) to 0.0 (lowest). A system’s security status may temporarily change due to outside influences, such as increased military activity in the area, a diplomatic delegation, a crackdown on organized crime, etc..

_**WHAT SECURITY STATUS MEANS**_

High security space (highsec):   
All numbers are in reference to those found in 1.0 space.

1.0: Only the Sol system carries this level of security. Police vessels are permanently stationed around specific colonies, and patrols are at their highest.  
0.9: 30% less vessels stationed at colonies.  
0.8: 50% less vessels stationed around colonies.  
0.7: 30% less patrol vessels, 50% less vessels at colonies.  
0.6: From here on, no vessels are stationed around colonies. 0.6 space has 30% less patrol vessels.  
0.5: 60% less patrol vessels. 0.5 space is often considered the border between the inner and the outer colonies.

Low security space (lowsec):   
All numbers are in reference to those found in 0.4 space.

0.4: No patrol vessels are stationed in any one system. Instead, they are assigned to a group of systems in high proximity to each other. This creates “clusters” of civilization, separated by light-years of uninhabited systems.  
0.3: 30% less patrol vessels visiting these systems.  
0.2: 60% less patrol vessels visiting these systems.  
0.1: Commonly known as “the Badlands”, 0.1 space consists of the stars and star systems un-colonized by mankind but still within the U.N.S.S.’s sphere of influence. As population density is almost non-existent, vast swaths of 0.1 space may only have 2 or 3 patrol vessels for every 10 star systems. Pilots hauling cargo through 0.1 space have taken to hiring groups of mercenaries to protect them from the criminal syndicates that often set up camp here.

Null security space (nullsec):

Systems in nullsec represent the vast majority of the universe. No patrol ships are stationed here. The border of nullsec is as far as humanity has yet reached. Beyond that border lies the unknown: systems yet to be visited by man. Crews often tell ghost stories of ships that have ventured out to nullsec and never returned.

[CLASSIFIED LEVEL 4: Covert ops ships often enter 0.0 space on classified missions. Objectives include, but are not limited to: investigating anomalous radio signals, scouting a planet that has been determined to contain life or the disposal of certain individuals or equipment. In these cases official security status remains unchanged to safeguard the secrecy of these operations.]

Some areas within the U.N.S.S.’s sphere of influence are also considered nullsec as they are too dangerous to venture into. This includes systems where one of the stars is reaching the end of its lifetime, such as Arcturus, or systems within close proximity to emissive sources such as Cygnus X-1 (used as an example only: X1 is 6000 light-years away). These areas are known as “enforced nullsec”, whereas all others are considered “absolute nullsec”.

As opposed to all other systems, stars in absolute nullsec space often do not have proper names or HD designations, instead merely having a designation such as HIP 556718 or 6VDT-H.

Negative security space (negsec):

In the event of a hostile entity controlling regions of space, the negsec scale is to be used. The scale is mostly arbitrary, but in general the more a system's negative security (i.e. the closer it gets to -1.0) the more hostile activity scouts or spies have reported in that system. Un-scouted systems suspected of hostility officially remain nullsec, although pilots tend to distinguish them from other nullsec systems by marking them as -0.0 on their maps. The negative security scale has yet to be used.

[UPDATE: Recent hostile extra-terrestrial activity has caused the last statement to become obsolete. This document will remain unaltered until [SCOUTING PARTY 72] makes physical contact with U.N.S.S. officials, or until an appropriate amount of time has passed since a remote update that they are declared MIA.]

_**LIST OF COLONIZED SYSTEMS AND ACCOMPANYING SECURITY STATUS SORTED BY NAME**_

See attached file [SEC_LIST.txt].

[END OF FILE]

\-----

**ROUGHLY SIX HOURS LATER**

HARLEY, J: got it working.  
EGBERT, J: the map?  
HARLEY, J: no john, the microwave door. that thing’s needed fixing for ages now.  
EGBERT, J: ...  
EGBERT, J: you’ve seriously been working on the microwave all this time?  
HARLEY, J: duh stupid, of course the map.  
HARLEY, J: duuuuuh.  
EGBERT, J: argh! is today trans-u.n.s.s. mess with john day? is all this some kind of elaborate scheme to mess with my mind?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): No comment.  
EGBERT, J: oh, i see how it is.  
EGBERT, J: all is clear to me now.  
EGBERT, J: you want to break my mind so you have someone to psychoanalyse!  
LALONDE, R (JR.): What.  
EGBERT, J: haha, yes! i’ve caught you red-handed!  
EGBERT, J: you used weird psychosisology powers to make me dream about you all dying! that’s low of you, rose.  
EGBERT, J: well these little tricks aren’t gonna work on me.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): ...  
HARLEY, J: hahahahaha!  
STRIDER, D (JR.): this is perhaps the weirdest conversation weve had in a while  
STRIDER, D (JR.): i thought we were supposed to be heading out once the map was up  
STRIDER, D (JR.): is that still a thing thats happening  
EGBERT, J: yes that is still a thing that is happening.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): so why not just get on with it  
STRIDER, D (JR.): we waiting for a delivery of fresh peaches or something  
EGBERT, J: believe it or not dave, multitasking exists.  
EGBERT, J: for instance, this entire conversation i have been moving down the corridors to rendezvous with jade.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): oh really  
LALONDE, R (JR.): I can vouch for him here. We met up, and he keeps flicking me suspicious glances.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): Also, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that “psychosisology” is not a field of discipline, nor a source of supernatural powers. It isn’t even a word.v  
EGBERT, J: i believe you rose. i _believe_ you.  
HARLEY, J: as amusing as this conversation is, could you maybe hurry up a bit?  
STRIDER, D (JR.): but jade you dont understand  
STRIDER, D (JR.): i am already here  
HARLEY, J: no you’re not.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): yes i am  
HARLEY, J: dave, you are not here.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): bs its you who isnt here  
STRIDER, D (JR.): ive been here on watch for hours now idve seen you come in  
HARLEY, J: that’s the bridge? we’re going to the map room.  
STRIDER, D (JR.): we have a map room  
EGBERT, J: we never used to have a map room.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): I’m pretty sure there’s no map room in the ship’s schematics. Are you sure you’re on the right ship?  
HARLEY, J: well it’s not a dedicated map room, it’s just the holo-sim room thing.  
EGBERT, J: how’d you get in there, i thought the door was voice-locked to me?  
HARLEY, J: i hacked it.  
EGBERT, J: of course you did.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): So does this mean that we’ve been floating down the wrong corridor the entire time?  
HARLEY, J: where did you think i was?  
LALONDE, R (JR.): The bridge, maybe? That would be the most logical place to put a map, unless you’ve moved the navigator’s station while I wasn’t looking.  
HARLEY, J: right corridor, wrong direction. and no the navcomp is still where it always was.  
LALONDE, R (JR.): So what exactly is the point of a map that I can’t access on-the-fly?  
HARLEY, J: if you would actually showed up, i might be able to show you!!!!!  
EGBERT, J: relax, i’m almost there with rose.

You reach out and grab the door frame with your left arm – Rose does the same on the other side. Jade’s left the door open, so you swing inside and smack right into her legs.  
“Jesus Christ look where you’re going!’ she yells, the impact causing her to tumble backwards towards the back wall. She grunts as she impacts it, bouncing off and heading back towards you; you pull yourself out of her way, using a railing as an anchor, and try to reach out and grab her hand – an attempt which turns out to be successful, although her legs wrap around the door frame. From the sound Rose makes, you can guess what her feet hit. Rose pulls herself in, more carefully than you, and you see the pattern of Jade’s soles on her forehead. She does not look amused. You and Jade giggle at the sight – she rolls her eyes and pulls herself along an adjacent railing, making room for the inevitable entrance Dave will make. Alas, it turns out to be a massive anticlimax, as he enters the room in the sanest manner yet: crawling along the ceiling. Rose looks almost disappointed.  
“Well now that we’re all here and not tumbling out of control,” Jade says with a bit of hostility, “it’s time to reveal... the map.”  
Dave provides the dramatic drum beat by repeatedly assaulting the wall as Jade presses a few keys on the room’s control panel. The familiar map of U.N.S.S. space pops up, albeit with a lot of extra stars.  
“Now this doesn’t look like much, but if you select a star,” which she promptly does, “you’ll see a few extra things pop up.”  
She’s selected HD 290038, a lowsec border system 161 light-years from Sol. A window pops up, displaying system statistics.

HD 290038

Spectral class: K3 IV  
Right Ascension: 77.9  
Declination: -1.86  
Population: 121*10^6  
Inhabited planets: 3  
Total planets: 5

Halara  
       Type: Scorching Gaseous  
       Semimajor axis: 0.073 AU  
       Atmosphere scale height: 619 km  
       Radius: 69884 km  
       Rotational period: 6.0855 days  
       Orbital period: 6.0855 days  
       Eccentricity: 0.04  
       Longitude of the Ascending Node: 60 degrees  
       Argument of Periapsis: 70 degrees  
       Mean Longitude: 0 degrees  
       Inclination (relative to Saephus): 5.6 degrees  
       Axial tilt: 0 degrees

Below that there’s a little breaker and then a trough of new data, such as T-NAME, R-POS and S-NS. You have no idea what that last one means, but you can guess that the first two are the troll’s name for that star and its position relative to that weird moving zero-point they have.  
“The S-NS one is important. It’s a binary value saying whether the system’s been scouted or not. It should give us a bit of data on their reach.”  
“Can we filter this thing?” you ask.  
“Yeah, I’ve got colour coding based on spectral class, security, distance from Sol, distance from the ship, population, whether that S-NS value is positive and where the R-POS values are lowest.”  
Out of the corner of you eye you see Rose open her mouth then close it again, closing her eyes a moment before returning her attention to Jade. You give her a quizzical look and she just smiles and shakes her head. As you turn back to Jade, she reverts back to her troubled expression. You make a note to ask her what’s up after Jade’s finished.  
“Now, the most exciting part,” she says: “for some reason this map doesn’t tell you where the damn zero-point is, but we can infer it from the stars’ R-POS values,” she types a few things into the console. “Working backwards from current data, I’ve determined that at this moment the numbers are all zero riiight... here!” she exclaims a bit too loudly, as a large blue dot appears in the middle of interstellar space, out beyond the Badlands.  
“Well we’ve got the location for our next mission,” you say.  
“Captain Obvious strikes again,” Dave deadpans; “when will he release the fair maiden John Egbert from his nefarious clutches?”

“Can you set it to the scout filter for a second?” Rose inquires.  
“Yeah, sure,” Jade says, turning around to input something on the console. The map changes, stars losing their natural colours and being replaced by either a red or green dot.  
Rose narrows her eyes slightly before saying “I note that both Pollux and Beta Crucis are marked green. Do we have timestamps for when these places were scouted?”  
“Nope,” Jade replies.  
“We should try and find some. I’ve got a hunch as to what those two broadcasts were about.”  
“What broadcasts?” Dave asks.  
“The 2036 Pollux and the 2398 Beta Crucis messages from extra-terrestrial entities.”  
“Well go on, what’s your hunch?”  
“Well there’s no real evidence apart from this map, but if we manage to find timestamps and they correlate closely with the light-speed delay I’d say it would become quite obvious what caused whoever used to live in those systems to send those messages.”  
You clap your hands together to get everyone’s attention. “So as of right now, primary objective is to scout the zero, and secondary objective is to find some timestamps. Agreed?”  
All three of the others reply in the affirmative.  
“Alright then, everyone on their stations; get ready to jump into potential hostile territory.”

\-----

Around half an hour later you’ve aligned your path and activated the jump drive.  
“Deviation is at acceptable levels and drive heat is stable at 67%,” Rose reports.  
“TMD primed and waiting,” you inform everyone.  
“External comms clear on all standard frequencies,” Dave calls out.  
“All weapons hot,” Jade says.  
“T3?” you ask Rose.  
“Time-to-transition is 16 minutes 22 seconds and counting.”  
“Ship exiting high-security space,” you say.  
“Main engines at optimal efficiency, fuel is 91%.”  
A flashing yellow light activates on your console. “Warning light here, standby,” you tell the squad.  
“Standing by,” Jade replies.  
On your screen just below you, you spot a yellow border around some of the ship’s standard parameters, things that shouldn’t change. The engines remain at nominal power levels, but they’re having a harder time accelerating the ship.  
“Rose, what’s the drive’s heat level at?”  
“Still 67%,” she replies.  
“Engine overheat?”  
“Non-existent.”  
Putting the pieces together in your mind, you come to an odd conclusion. “Jade, antimatter’s mass doesn’t fluctuate, does it?”  
“Why would it?” she replies.  
“Deactivate the jump matrix,” you tell Rose. She nods and powers it down, the ship returning to realspace somewhere between the stars of the HD 290327 lowsec cluster.  
“Something just added mass to the ship, and that doesn’t just happen, especially in FTL. Everyone power down your stations and form up at the door. We’re headed to the armoury, and then we’re gonna search this ship floor-by-floor, externally if we have to, until we find out what the hell’s going on.”

You turn off your console and push off towards the exit of the bridge. The others do the same. Looking to the others for a second, you poke your head out of the doorway and see nothing.  
“Once we head out, I want strict silence unless you find something, and even then I just want your location. Clear?”  
“Crystal,” Rose says.

You pull yourself around the frame and float slowly down the corridor. The others are behind you, but without their near-constant banter it feels just like your dream – they were there, but they said nothing, floating lifeless in the void. You purge those thoughts from your head and command yourself to focus on just one thing: the present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question: I put in a massive universe-building thing in this chapter (the security status thing). Did any of you bother reading it and if so, do you feel the world-building contributed positively to the story?


	10. The Belly of the Beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paradoxically, when going on 8 weeks of holidays you have less time to write things then you did when at school.

The drone is a metal husk of a being, every feature systematically designed to invoke terror in all who see them. And boy is it working wonders on you.

It may not breathe, but you swear you feel its breath on your shoulder as it leans in and examines you. A small scalpel emerges from its forehead and pokes yours – you flail your limbs on instinct as you hang from your sweater, attempting to get away as you call your moirail’s name. She stirs and pokes her head out just as the knife pierces your skin, revealing your mutation to the drone’s ocular sensors. It withdraws the knife and rotates its head almost completely away from you, where it remains for some time. You look to Feferi for help, who stares back with tears in her eyes.  
“I’m sorry,” she chokingly whispers, and its then you realise she’s betrayed you.  
You shouldn’t have trusted her. You never should’ve trusted anyone. There was always that possibility of discovery, and the more people that are exposed to you the higher the chances of discovery. You should’ve shut yourself out from the world long ago.  
You hiss and she flinches backwards. “What happened to ‘Moirails are forever?’” you spew out, disgust lacing your voice. “What happened to always being there for each other‽”

She says nothing, sinking back into the recuperacoon.

The drone rotates its body to match its head, swinging you around and scraping your calves against the wall of the block, drawing more blood from you. You feel the fabric of your pants around that area peeling off your skin, but you can’t turn your head to look because the drone has started moving. Now you see what it was looking at before – another drone with specialized transmission equipment designed to pierce through the decks of this massive ship. Why it would be here, and why the culling drone wouldn’t just report your disposure later, is a question that doesn’t occur to you because you’re too busy flailing, desperately feeling for a handhold, a garbage disposal chute, anything. All you feel, however, is the open air. They march you down the corridor, taking you to Condescension-knows where, with no regard for your comfort in the least – every time they turn a corner they scrape you against a wall, and the blood loss is starting to get to you; your peripheral vision keeps periodicaly blacking out, and every time it happens the circle of darkness encroaches farther. _This is it_ , you think, _this is the day that I die._ There’s no stopping it now – they’ve already taken you. The only thing left to do is accept it and stop struggling. So you do just that – you go limp in the drone’s grip and let it happen. You stop fighting internally too – the blackness encroaches faster, becoming all-enveloping, and you know this is it – this is your last moment as a living troll. Even though you can’t see anything anyway, you close your eyes. You feel your blood-pusher beating, its muscles struggling to keep up – it stutters, slows its beating down, and –

“Hold it!”

You just barely hear a voice, so far away from where you are that if you were still on Alternia it’d be blocked by the planet’s curvature. The drone’s stop in their tracks immediately, and your inertia causes you to keep going, your sweater ripping and coming off you, freeing you from the drone. You feel cold, like you’ve gone to the highest peak on your home planet in the middle of the dark season and taken off all of your clothing. You open your eyes and strain your senses, pushing back the blindness enveloping you – and you get an image. It’s not much, maybe the size of the circle your designation appendage and thumb could make held out at arm’s length, but when you turn your head what you see through your narrow perception of the world dumbfounds you. It’s Her Imperious Condescension, addressing the drones. You can’t hear what she’s saying, but you do notice when the drones turn away from both her and you – she’s called them off! Confused and disoriented, you lose concentration and the world slips back into darkness. You slump down to the floor, too tired to hold your head up, and start to drift off to sleep. Sleep... you’re so tired... this floor feels like the most comfortable thing you’ve ever laid on, and your brain starts shutting down, preparing for the longest nap you’ll ever take...  
A slap on your cheek makes you come to, and the surge of chemicals it causes to be released into your system invigorates you, giving you your senses back. You open your eyes and see the Empress kneeling over you, tears in her eyes. Tears? No, you must be hallucinating, the overlord of all trolls doesn’t cry. With great effort you furrow your brow, confused, but she puts her hand on your forehead and relaxes your muscles. She feels warm, disturbingly warm for someone of her rung, and that frightens you. You whimper, a pathetic noise that pierces her auricular sponge clots, and she reacts sharply by taking you into her arms, embracing you. In your state of delirium you fumble to hug her back, but only succeed in twitching your arms slightly. The all-enveloping darkness is returning, cutting off your senses of hearing, of smell and taste, even of the latent electric charge you felt pulsing though her and every other living thing. All you’ve got left is sight and touch, and she seems to know that – she lifts you up, your face to her face, the rest of your body limp – you struggle to keep your eyes open, eyelids feeling like sixteen-tonne weights. She closes her eyes for a few seconds, opens them again and with lightning speed moves forward and kisses you, straight on your lips. As your vision fails and your blood-pusher has one last hurrah, you use the very last reserves of energy you have to kiss her back, to thank her for buying you just those few, precious seconds of life – and with that your heart stops.

You shoot up with a start and bang your head straight on a hard wall. Ow fuck, that hurts like... something painful, you forget. You look around, confused, and find yourself back in Feferi’s respiteblock, laying on the floor next to her. She’s sound asleep, arms still around your waist. It was all a night-terror then. None of it actually happened. But strangely, you find yourself slightly disappointed by that – not the dying bit, obviously, but you would’ve liked for that kiss to be real. You can’t wake her up without risking your own death – trolls that are unexpectedly woken up have been known to kill even their matesprits – so all you can do is lie back down, try and go back to sleep and hope that you don’t have another dream like that one.

\-----

“This is disgusting!” Vriska says, spitting her grubloaf back onto her tray. “What do they make this shit out of? Actual grubs?”  
Sollux sighs. “Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised.”  
It does taste somewhat foul, but you’re more used to this kind of food than Vriska (or indeed any highblood) is. “Oh suck it up; it’s not that bad,” you say.  
“Your tastebuds are all dead, then,” Vriska mumbles.  
“Well what the fuck did you expect? That it’d be better than the standard-issue crap?” You laugh. “Battleship Condescension or not, messblock food is the same everywhere. Did you think you’d get the same fare as the empress? That you’re so god damn entitled that anything but the very best the empire has isn’t enough?”  
“I just expected something that didn’t taste like the inside of a seadweller’s waste chute!”  
“You expect too much,” Sollux says, taking a large bite and trying to swallow it as fast as he can.  
“On the subject of expecting things, where the fuck’s Kanaya?” Vriska asks. “Woke up this evening and bam! She’s disappeared somewhere. Then she doesn’t even show up to eat?” She sounds angry with her, but as someone versed in all forms of rage you can tell she’s not mad – she’s concerned, but she clearly doesn’t want anyone to know.  
“You could just ask Aradia,” you tell her, “or do your psion thing.”  
“I already tried using that! And I’m not gonna go up to her!”  
“Why not?”  
“’Cause it’d be weird! Like talking to a sarcastic search engine!”

ARADIA-2: i heard that

Vriska widens her eyes a bit, then looks down at her meal and tries to pretend she didn’t see the message.

ARADIA-2: als0 the answer t0 y0ur query is that she was sent 0n an 0perati0n  
ARADIA-2: as is standard 0perating pr0cedure 0n many ships  
ARADIA-2: including 0ur 0ld stati0n  
ARADIA-2: h0nestly why is this such an alien c0ncept t0 y0u it happens all the time  
VRISKA: 8ecause someone’s supposed to know where she actually is?  
VRISKA: Also the word “unit” implies co-ordination. What’s the point of having a squad if you just split them up?

She’s not looking up; she’s whispering into her receiver and trying to be covert about her conversation. You consider telling her she’s speaking on the unit-wide channel, but the image of her trying to be sneaky about anything is too much to pass up.

VRISKA: None, as far as I can tell.  
ARADIA-2: splitting up means c0vering m0re gr0und at the expense 0f survivability in the case 0f detecti0n  
ARADIA-2: n0ting wh0 is sent 0ut 0n these 0perati0ns is an adequate measure f0r finding 0ut wh0 c0mmand thinks is m0re valuable l0ng-term  
VRISKA: Oh thanks. That’s exactly what I needed to hear right now! Thank you for that little tid8it of information there, it was most welcome!!!!!!!!  
ARADIA-2: y0u asked  
VRISKA: NO I D8DN’T!!!!!!!!

She’s yelling into her plate now, something which must look very strange for someone not on this channel. You fight back a laugh – so does Sollux, with a little less success.

VRISKA: Let’s learn a8out rhetorical questions today, wrigglers! Here: just because something has a question mark at the end, that DOESN’T FUCKING MEAN that it’s a question!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Here are some examples! One: What will become X? Two: What does that say about X? And three: What’s the point of X!!!!!!!! Do you see the theme here?!?!?!?!  
ARADIA-2: i see a c0pi0us number 0f sh0ut p0les  
VRISKA: N8!  
VRISKA: The theme is this: THINK BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR GOD DAMN METAL TRAP!  
ARADIA-2: actually thats n0t a theme at all  
VRISKA: How‽ How is that not a theme? How is that not what I’m trying to convey here?  
ARADIA-2: ...  
VRISKA: TH8T W8SN’T A F8CKING RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!!!!!!

This is getting completely out of hand very quickly, and Sollux knows it too – he’s stopped snickering and just looks... well, alienated.

KARKAT: OKAY AS AMUSING AS THIS MAY BE TO THE REST OF US I THINK IS’S ABOUT TIME ONE OF US BUTTED IN HERE AND SAID THIS:  
KARKAT: KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.  
VRISKA: KARK8T LEAVE US ALONE. This is 8etween me and her.  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S BETWEEN YOU, ARADIA _AND_ KANAYA. AND WHERE IS SHE?  
KARKAT: ARADIA: TRY AND USE HOWEVER MANY WHATEVERS OF PROCESSING POWER YOU HAVE AND CONSIDER OTHER’S EMOTIONS FOR ONCE.  
KARKAT: VRISKA: EVEN THOUGH WHAT ARADIA SAID MAY HAVE ANGERED YOU, IN THE END SHE WAS JUST STATING A FACT. WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS BASICALLY GETTING MAD AT YOUR SCHOOLFEEDER BECAUSE YOU THINK ONE PLUS ONE SHOULD BE THREE.  
KARKAT: NOW FROM NOW ON COULD THE BOTH OF YOU _THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK_ PLEASE? I DON’T KNOW IF YOU ACTUALY NOTICED, BUT DAMN NEAR EVERY SINGLE TROLL IN THIS PLACE IS LOOKING AT YOU YELLING INTO THE TABLE.  
KARKAT: WELL, THEY’RE LOOKING AT VRISKA AT LEAST. BECAUSE ARADIA JUST DOES DIRECT INPUT.  
KARKAT: BUT THE POINT STILL STANDS!  
VRISKA: ........  
ARADIA-2: ...  
KARKAT: WELL? ANYONE?  
VRISKA: Do _NOT_ do it again, Aradia.  
KARKAT: THAT IS *NOT* AN APOLOGY.  
VRISKA: *SIGH*. Fiiiiiiiine.  
VRISKA: Sorry.  
KARKAT: FOR WHAT?  
VRISKA: Sorry for lashing out at you.  
KARKAT: ARADIA?  
ARADIA-2: s0rry f0r n0t lying  
KARKAT: WELL I GUESS THAT’S AS CLOSE AS WE’RE GONNA GET. NOW BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FINISH EATING OR SIPHONING POWER OR WHATEVER. WE’VE STILL GOT SHIT TO DO.

As you take another bite of grubloaf you catch another three messages.

VRISKA: I’m not actually sorry 8y the way.  
ARADIA-2: i kn0w  
ARADIA-2 im n0t either

You very much hope this settles down – a hit to unit cohesion is pretty much the last thing you need right now, or ever.  
Feferi pokes your side to get your attention.  
“What?” you say, swinging your head around.  
“What was that about?” she asks.  
“Aradia implied Kanaya was going to die.” You thought that would’ve been obvious.  
“I know that! I meant why’d you step in?”  
You blink. “As the leader it’s my responsibility to make sure people aren’t at each other’s god damn throats all the time.”  
“Yeah, sure,” she says, rolling her eyes.  
“What exactly are you implying?” you ask, turning your body to fully face her.  
“Come on Karkat! With all those crappy romcoms you watch you would’ve seen the signs. You’re hoping for something ashen, aren’t you?”  
“What? No,” you shake your head, “this is strictly professional.”  
She laughs. “Yeah, sure it is.” She goes back to munching on her food. _‘Hoping for something ashen.’_ Now it’s your turn to roll your eyes. Please, you’re not about to wish _another_ complication upon your lives.

But Vriska did bring up a point. Why wasn’t anyone informed of Kanaya’s departure?

[CURRENT TARGET: [ARADIA-2 1.6.02] ]  
KARKAT: SO HOW’D YOU FIND OUT ABOUT KANAYA LEAVING?  
ARADIA-2: f0r the flagship 0f the alternian fleet the digital security leaves much t0 be desired

So none of you were told where she went to. That worries you, especially on this ship – taking inventory should be a pretty big priority. There’s a lot of places to hide around here, after all.

As soon as Feferi finishes her grubloaf you poke her and motion to get up. She complies, and the two of you walk out of the messblock.  
“Okay, you have any idea why someone would want to keep something from us?” you ask her.  
“Uh...” she says unhelpfully. “A grudge?”  
“Yeah sure, a grudge.” You shrug. “Everyone at command suddenly hates us so much that not one of them bother to inform _any of us_ where our own squad members are deploying. Seems a bit unlikely.”  
“Oh you’re talking about Kanaya!” she says. “I thought you meant like ‘Sollux my F1 key is gone, fix it.’” Her impressions are so bad. “‘No you fix it yourself you lazy bulge-licker!’” She’s trying to do the lisp and everything! You snicker.  
“Don’t laugh! It’s the best I can do! Anyway I’d like to see you do better.”  
“Unlike you I know when not to bother trying.”  
“Come on! Impersonate someone! Do it!” She jumps – and gets pulled back down immediately: too fast to be caused by the mag-boots. You both look down to her feet and why the fuck are there pink tentacles around her ankles?  
“Why the _fuck_ are there pink tentacles around your ankles?” you ask. You don’t really expect an answer.  
“Why the fuck are there more tentacles around yours?” she retorts. Startled, you look down, and sure enough they’re there too.  
“What the god dam shit is going on?” you yell. The tentacles start pulling you across the floor of the corridor – you try and kick them off and run, but they’re a lot stronger than they look. You disengage the mag-boots and try grabbing onto the wall, try and get a handhold to halt your momentum, but all it seems to do is let them pull you along faster. Feferi’s trying the same things as you are, at about the same level of success.

[CURRENT TARGET:  [IMPERIAL INCURSION UNIT 4C] ]  
KARKAT: EVERYONE GET THE FUCK TO ME AND GET US OUT OF THIS!  
NEPETA: :?? < karkat what are you talking about?  
KARKAT: SOMETHING’S GOT US. ME AND FEFERI. I DON’T KNOW-

“-what the fuck it is, but-”, wait, where’d your transcriber go? It was just on your ear! You look behind you and there it is, floating behind you, just out of arm’s reach.

NEPETA: :\\\ < karkat?  
NEPETA: :?? < karkat whats going on?

The tentacles start pulling you towards some sort of vent, and you see more waiting for you there, tips sticking out and ready to latch on. You writhe and struggle, but in the zero-g environment it’s no use. They pull you and Feferi inwards, wrapping you both up inside their grip with only your heads sticking out, and at this point neither of you can move whatsoever. Messages still flash across your ocular implants, but you can’t reply, so you don’t bother reading them.

Feferi looks scared, and you don’t really blame her – you’re terrified too. “Wh-where are we going?” she asks, stuttering, even though she knows you have no idea.  
You tell her “I don’t know but whatever’s at the end of these things is gonna get one _very fucking pissed off_ troll to deal with.” You don’t know if that’s actually going to carry any weight.

The appendages take you through the ventilation system, then through a few maintenance accessways, and at the end of one of those you find a wall of pink, fleshy tentacles. Instead of grabbing onto you, these ones part and let you through, and the ones puling you reach their turn-off and switch to pushing you along. You can’t see much of what’s ahead – between the wall of pink and the apparent fogginess your vision is extremely limited – so you look over at Feferi instead. She looks just as scared as she did before, perhaps even more so, and you’d reach out to comfort her save for the bondage you’re both entwined inside. You keep looking at her, trying to convey reassurances through sight alone and trying to calm your own nerves; her face always did seem comforting, even in the worst situations – just knowing she’s there is calming to you.

She spots something and widens her eyes. "What," she says "is that?" You turn your head around to where she's looking and woah okay that's a lot of fucking tentacles. No doubt this is your final destination. You look around – the room is a gigantic sphere ringed by the pink appendages. There’s red and blue lightning striking out from the centre, where a thick layer of tentacles forms a massive vertical cylinder.  
 **I?**  
A voice speaks up, both piercingly loud and absolutely silent, all at the same time – probably psionics. That would explain the electric discharges at least. The tubes in the central cylinder ripple and part ahead of you and a face emerges from them. It's got dual horns and bifurcated oculars, just like Sollux, and you're just meters away from it when your motion comes to a halt.

**I am a m0nument t0 al^2 her 5in5.**

"A helmsman," Feferi says. So these things are biotubes, then. "But where are all the others?"  
 **There i5 but 0ne.** the voice says again, the face's lips unmoving.  
"But how -" she begins when you decide to interrupt her, sounding more confident then you actually are:  
"Hey! Could you either get this over with or let us go! We don’t care about your seeming obsession with talk!" As always, you are the epitome of diplomacy. Feferi looks at you, annoyed.  
 **There i5 much talk, and I have li5tened thr0ugh** **_ROCK_** **and** **_METAL_** **and** **_TIME_** ** _!_** You swear you could feel the entire ship shaking just then. Suddenly you’re not so sure of yourself. **N0w it’5 my turn t0 talk, and _y0ur_ turn t0 li5ten. ** The biotubes surrounding the face of the helmsman ripple and waver, making alien noises, and you wince at the sound.   
**Y0u trick your5elve5 int0 thinking the** _C0nde5censi0n_ like5 y0u, that _5he_ w0n’t cul^2 y0u when 5he find5 what you tw0 are: but y0u wil^2 find no _salvation_ 0n thi5 5hip.  
“Surprise chuckle-nuts, we already knew that!” you say, not sounding as confident as your choice of words would imply. “Mind telling us something useful? Preferably without the encryption?” ****  
Th05e wh0 built thi5 place _knew_ what they  **_WROUGHT_** **!** **They _knew_ what we w0uld u5e it for. They kn0w m0re ab0ut u5 than ** **we** **d0.**  
“Well of course we know,” Feferi says, “about the ship and about trolls. We built it!”  
You have to agree the damn thing has a very roundabout way of stating the obvious.  
 **You think _y0u_ built it?** You hear laughter in your mind and feel it in the ship. Maybe it’s not so clear-cut. **Y0u think mere _tr0(l^2)5_ have the techn0logy to create a 5hip 5uch as _thi5?_**  
"I asked for one fucking thing," you hiss softly, “coherence. Not obscure riddles.”  
 **Ri(d^2)le5? N0... there i5 0nly truth and untruth - and th05e with the 5ki(l^2)s _t0_** **_separate_** **_them_** **.**  
"Well call me a god damn, nook-sniffing, bulge-wiping moron then,” you yell, “because you couldn't be any less clear if you were a god damn magic eight-ball!"  
The face hisses at you. **Thi5 m(e^2)ting wa5** _unwi5e_ – t(0^2) early. H(e^2)d my warning5, 0r d0 n0t. There i5 n0thing m0re t0 say.

The face retreats, masked once again by the biotubes. What the hell is that thing trying to imply anyway? Who else would have built this damn ship? You look at Feferi, and she seems just as puzzled as you. "You have any idea-"

And then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter post: if you clicked here first, hit Next Chapter.


	11. [DESTROY]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter post: if you came here first, hit Previous Chapter and start from there.

**{EXTRACT TWO, DATED 2410-8-21}**

War is not an instinct; war is learnt, and thus war must be taught. There are [forces] in this universe that even [we] fear, thus all species must be made to prepare for the [oncoming storm]. Like water in an ocean, this [force] settles in the voids between superclusters, the near-endless expanses of nothing pocketing all of space. Life clings onto the filaments of the universal web, forever on the precipice of losing its grip and falling into the void, strengthening [the Darkness] with its energy. The universe keeps on expanding, space [begetting] space - but it shouldn’t be so. It’s part of their strategy; to flush us out of the filaments by making them [cease to exist]. The universe is not hostile to life: it’s life’s cradle - heat death is an [artificial inevitability], not one that must always be so. We fight [the Darkness] to save all life in the universe from extinction. [We] [loathe] them.


End file.
